Rich Luzenski of Cinema Serenade fills in for Kyle last minute. Are grown men getting violently angry over comic book movies? Syria, Miley and that evil media. What would happen if history’s most evil madman had a clone, and that clone wasn’t such a bad guy? Click play or download here.
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Love is a serious mental disease”
Plato, not to be confused with Forko or Spoono
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease”
Bill Maher, has been comedy free since 2003
“The remedy is worse than the disease”
Francis Bacon, said that to every girl he nailed
In a lot of ways last night’s episode could be compared to the Hulk Hogan movie “Suburban Commando”. A fish out of water tale about an intergalactic warrior from outer space who crash lands on Earth and helps out a weakling architect all while being hunted by bounty hunters. Is it sad that I had to Wikipedia the plotline to Suburban Commando? Remember that scene when the bounty hunters use a freeze ray on Hulk Hogan and as the smoke clears Hulk is drinking something and clearly hasn’t been frozen and the bounty hunters look all like “hey, why is dis guy not frozen and such?” and Hulk gives them this angry stare and says “ANTI-FREEZE!!!”? COMEDY!!!!
Let’s see what happened last night…..uuuuuuhhhhh…..huuuuuhhhhh…stuff. Stuff definitely happened. Wait! It was super hot in the studio and sweat kept dripping in my eye. That happened. With that I also learned a personal lesson and feel bad for any time I’ve shot jizz in someone’s (not sum1) eye. That shit stings!
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HERRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
Driving and pissing….not exactly natures best friends. As a dude I have a very simple solution for when I have to pee whilst driving.
1- whip out my dong and piss into a bottle
2- pull over to a semi-discreet area and pee into a bush/tree/hedge/what I hope wasn’t a homeless person
It’s that simple. Now if I was a girl that situation isn’t as easy. You have pull your pants damn near off the take off your panties (unless you aren’t wearing any you lil minx) utilize some sort of funnel type thing aim that into a bottle…it seems like a hassle. Well Devin Langford, 22 year old from FLORIDA, had a pretty big piss related situation going on in his pants-zone. You see Dev got arrested for drinkin’ and drivin’ and while being taken into the station had to piss like a racehorse. He brought up this fact to deputy Brain Bell and of course the man had to shut the pee party down. Bell told Dev to hold until they reached the station. Dev politely declined and in the strangest most strangely nice thing ever done by a cop to a perp deputy Bell told Dev “if you got to urinate in my car, I understand”. BEST ARRESTING OFFICER EVER!!!!!!! Dev then maneuvered his hands from behind his back to his front, knelt on the seat, got out his wang, aimed for the crack in the window and let loose the juice. Juice being piss. The problem is that pissing out of a moving car creates a huge mess and pretty much all of Dev’s piss landed back in the cruiser. On a nice note, they only charged Dev with the DUI and not for pissing everywhere and exposing himself. Sooooo I guess that’s a good thing.
You know what isn’t a good thing? The HIV virus. And that shit is causing huge fuck up’s for the porn world. Last week an “actress” calling herself CameronBay tested positive for HIV and now all of the porn world has to go in for a collective check up. DOUBLE UP ON THE LATEX GLOVES NURSE DANDUBERS. THESE FOLKS SWAP FLUIDS ON THE REGS!!!! This also means no porns can be made until all of the results come in. What are we going to do!?!?!?!?!!?? Oh, wait there is easily 14 years worth of porn readily available on the internet. You could watch a retrospective history of porn spanning from 18th century lithographs to the silent era of porn movies to giant bush 70’s porn to the strange world of early 00’s alt-porn for free right now…wait where are you goin……..right…..kind of set myself up for that one. Anyway, it sucks for that chick. HIV ain’t no joke unless you got Magic Johnson money.
I’m keeping it short this week but before I finish I do want to put it in writing that everyone who participated in the Radio-thon last week and gave up their time, money, or both is a badass dude or chick. There is always a small fear in the Tap studio (or probably for any fundraiser event) that you might fail. You might only raise $100. Then your failings will be public and everyone will point and laugh and then you realize you have no pants on and you’re back in middle school and Sherry Goldfarb is there and now you’re naked and she see’s how small your wiener is and you just missed the bell and you can’t take the geology exam!!!!!!!AAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ok. But yeah, the donations we brought in for Gleaners Food Bank made us proud to be a part of Tap and made me humble in the face of all of your overwhelming senses of charity. You guys gave and gave and gave and helped a lot of people who need helping.
Awash in a sense of pure awe at your collective awesomeness,
Colonel James T. Poling, Ass-tastic Asshat
Social Class Zero EP Debut!
Hour 1 Guest:
Jackie Stahl & The White Russians
Hour 2 Guest:
Tap Top Ten for 08/25/13
1. Chaos Rains – Nursing The Pain – (1)
2. Chrome Mollie – Shake It – (D)
3. Like A Storm – Love The Way You Hate Me – (4)
4. Bulletproof Snow – Punished For My Innocence – (2)
5. Shock Wave – Bullet Train (3)
6. Blind Season – Mirrors and Scales – (10)
7. My Perfect Nightmare – Find My Way – (D)
8. Mary Jane’s Pride – Pinebox Letter – (5)
9. Shudder – Change? – (D)
10. New Day Revolution – No Goodbye
Want your band on this list? E-mail TopTen@TapDetroit.com or comment on tomorrows facebook post!
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance.”
St. Francis of Assisi, brah knew charity
“Almost every Monday I have a charity thing. I like that. I do.”
Yogi Berra, despite being a Yankee was a good dude
“The royalties from my albums continue to support my charity work.”
Cat Stevens, yeah I still call him Cat Stevens
C: <enter Command>// Commencing 12 Pack Tudies
Holy Shinto! It is good to be alive this fine day! Maybe I’m just filled with giving spirit the fans rolled out last night on the Tudes. Nearly $200.00 raised for Gleaners Food Bank!!!! Of course maybe this good cheer is because I’m still drunk. Either way big boat of sexxxy gratitude to the folks who donated last night, you are all big bright shining stars. Of course a HUGE shout to old school OG’s Jason Mossburger (Shotgun Soul) and Wenchie (wenchie) who donated an assload of cash. Now, this all came at a small price. Somewhere in the near future 12 Pack Tuesday will do a very special episode where I will hand over the reigns (it’s actual more of a riding crop, like the ones dominatrix’s use) to Wenchie. She will have total control of the show. If that means she wants to read more fan fiction or just play Nickelback non-stop I am powerless to stop her. Mossburger made an even bigger sacrifice. His Mike Babcock-esque hair. That’s right live on the Very Wenchie episode of 12 Pack Tuesday Mossburger will shave his head on the air. I will sing a heroes tribute to his Babcockian locks as well.
Let’s talk about the pedo’s, shall we?
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEEROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!
It’s not easy being a cop. It’s probably even harder being an auxiliary police officer. You work your regular job and then just as you start to sleep the Chief calls you in and BAM your sitting in a speed trap pulling over high school kids for Facebooking and Tokyo Drifting (that’s what the kids do right?). Well, Herbert Eugene Miller is an auxiliary cop for Greeneville, Tennessee and found that he was sooooooo bored just sitting there doing nothing and decided “hey, I’ma surf that ol’ internet”. No judging! We all surf the ‘net at work. You are probably doing it right now and I have to tell you it really gets my motor cra….OH SHIT MARTHA FROM H.R.!!!!! CLOSE WINDOW!!!! CLOSE WINDOW!!!!!
………….is she gone? Ok, cool.
Yeah, Herbert was just cruising the web in his cruiser but made one huge fatal error. He used the police cruisers on board laptop. Now, I’m almost certain that since he’s auxiliary the Chief isn’t going to come down too hard on our boy Herby Euge but let’s just take a look at the search history….
Fifth Grade girls
Naked Middle School Girls
Young Puffy Nipples
Hot High School Girls Naked
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Herbert Eugene Miller, you IDIOT!!!!!!!!! On the police cruiser on board laptop? Really? Never thought that would get back to someone in the department? Young Puffy Nipples?
Seriously, young puffy nipples is a search a man with experience searches. This was not Herbert’s first underage rodeo. In all the police found almost a thousand pornographic images and 80 of those were child pornography. Moss, The Force and I all discussed that there are much better yet still creepy ways to satisfy your “I wanna watch little tiny girls get jackhammered by big, veiny cocks” urges. There are porn actresses (well, not actresses but whatever) who look nay a day over 15 and it is completely legal to watch videos of these ladies getting single, double, and triple stuffed by all the cocks imaginable. It’s still creepy to watch these things but hey who am I to judge. So Herby’s in jail…no bail…hoping to keep the pipe out his tail. BOOOOM! Prison sex joke.
Side note: during that story I create a fictitious person names Mrs. Dandubers. Best and worst fake name I’ve ever said.
Specialty designed underwear to facilitate jazzing in your pants? Sign me up…I guess…no not really.
Liquid Lap Dance is a new product that recently hit the market. It is a specially designed male underpant with a genital sleeve of sorts that when used with lube makes the lap dance experience one to grow on. GROW A BONER ON!!!! YEAAAHHHHH!!!! The company offers many reasons why you should buy this product…
1- The LL moisturizes and lubricates your dong. (lies)Totally not gross at all.
2- They provide you with enough space to get fully erect. What strange tighty whitey unerpants do you wear that won’t allow some boner space? And no, your wang isn’t that huge. Stop lying about it!
3- They take the pain out of lapdances. Dry lap dances can be painful but we’ve tested LL on big butts, bony butts, even granny butts. YOU LEAVE MY GAM GAM ALONE!!!!!
4- IT’S GONNA GET CRAZY GROSS. They contain your semen. When a guy has an orgasm during a lap dance, it can be quite awkward if he’s not wearing LL. A wet stain typically forms on the guys crotch, and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome. With LL, you can relax and fully enjoy the orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear. Just a hint: you shouldn’t be ejaculating during a lap dance. I’m sure there are strippers out there who maybe can get dudes to jizz but most actively try to avoid this. Also “and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome” was written. A person sat there and typed that out as a selling point to jizz pants.
The best part of the website was the testimonials from customers all praising the amazing power of the Liquid Lap Dance underwear/ groinal socket. Our favorite was from Mark in L.A.
“Our bachelor party will go down in history as one of the best. Sixteen guys walked into the (strip club) ALL wearing Liquid Lapdance. It was HILARIOUS. Dances felt so good I’d have let the groom sit on my lap… ALMOST!” – Mark, LA
Almost, BRO!!! No Homo!!!! Almost. I mean maybe you could sit in my lap a lil bit but JUST FOR THE JOKES BRAH!!! ALMOST!!!
I have the strangest feeling that “almost!” is now a new running gag on the show.
Let’s close this out with some titty talk. I have 9 scientific facts about boobies. Science fact 1: boobies does not sound very professional. I mean, if you went in for a breast exam and the doctor said “okay now show me your boobies” you would not show him your boobies. Or would you? You dirty little minx. Here are the findings….
Poor men love big tits
Hungry men like big tits
Men who don’t want kids like small tits
JT LOVES TITS
MOSSBURGER LOVES TITS
Squeezing tits can prevent cancer cells from growing (apparently I need to start charge my lady for a doctors visit each time we bang)
I THINK THE FORCE LOVES TITS?
Broads with implants are 3x more likely to commit suicide (this was done in Sweden so you know that maybe was a Swedish thing..like burning churches)
Sexist men love big tits
Bras can accelerate sagging
WENCHIE? ALSO LOVES TITS
Men who dig lil boobs also like submissive partners (Asians. read that as: creepers love Asians with their little Asian boobs)
Staring at boobs can put an extra 5 years on a mans life expectancy. (I WILL LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!)
HERE WE ARE!!!! BORN TO BE KINGS!!!! WE’RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!
Getting a lapdance with Mrs. Dandubers and containing my jizz,
Quartermaster, James T Poling TMNT, MPAA, JKR, JRRT
Tap Top Ten for 08/18/13
1. Chaos Rains – Nursing the Pain (1)
2. Bulletproof Snow – Punished For My Innocence (4)
3. Shock Wave – Bullet Train – (5)
4. Like A Storm – Love The Way You Hate Me (2)
5. Mary Jane’s Pride – Pinebox Letter (9)
6. Lifeline Revolution – Forever Ends Today (D)
7. Chrome Mollie – Free Me (3)
8. New Day Revolution – No Goodbye (7)
9. Red Snow – Say Goodbye (D)
10. Blind Season – Mirrors and Scales (D)