Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism.”
Oprah, livin’ large
“People know abou the Klan and overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you.”
Samuel L Jackson, Bad Ass Motherfucker
“I love my KKK bitch, I love it when she suck me though.”
Ice T, breaking down the walls of racism with his dick
“After another week off the air The Tudies returned to full form. Strange philosophical highways were traversed, in a combined effort by its two capable hosts, to find the very center of human truth and moral righteousness.”
Nobody in the history of man
Actually we talked about jerking it and the cartoon/video game characters we would like to most bone. So…you know…regular Tudies.
Sam and I (no Plankman, my guess is he is still fighting off the hangover from his B-day bash last Tuesday) looked into the relevance of Jimmy Hoffa and whether or not the FBI should be wasting it’s time on digging for bones.
Yes, for the 7th (8th, 9th,400th?) time the Feds are digging for Hoffa’s bones. Let’s ignore that they have had 2 confessions and countless leads that have lead nowhere. Does it really solve anything? Do we really need to find Jimmy Hoffa? The man was declared legally dead in 1982, I was born in 1982! At this point in time Jimmy would be 100 years old. I’m pretty sure he’s dead and finding the body won’t solve the crime of who rubbed the bastard out. What, was he buried with a chest of gold doubloons? Which means the FBI is the governmental equivalent of The Goonies. Also, there are still terrorists, right? Maybe we should try and find them 1st? Maybe? Guys? Anyone? No? We’re going to dig up some poor bastards backyard in an attempt to find a man who disappeared in the early 70’s? Also, a man with heavy ties to the mafia? Good way to spend resources FBI…morons.
Was that a fart? No it was the 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEERRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
Last week we didn’t do a show but our hero was sooooo good that I had to transfer her over to this week.
THE DUNKIN DONUTS C*NT (CUNT).
If you aren’t hip to this story, Taylor Chapman went to a Dunkin Donuts late one night and ordered a bunch of food with her friends. That particular Dunkin Donuts has a “if you don’t get a receipt, your meal is free” policy. Well, Ms. Chapman wasn’t given a receipt in what she felt was an appropriate time and was entitled to free food. Now, the actual policy is that the free meal is given to you on your next visit. Which I feel is reasonable. Sam felt the same way. Taylor Chapman not so much. Chapman went in the next day with her camera taking a video of her confrontation with the donut Gestapo. Problem is, is that the staff was nothing but courteous and obliging. They took her order and sympathized with her the entire way. Meanwhile, Taylor Chapman is acting like Dunkin Donuts took a shit in her Café Coolata. Here’s a few excerpts from Chapman’s rant…
“This is all being under video surveillance.”
“I can’t wait to post this shit on Facebook.”
“Well guess what? This shits about to go live, bitch. Right on Facebook.”
“Cause I already posted what your dumb ass did last night. So I hope you’re happy with your little fucking sand nigger self. Cause I’m about to nuke your whole fucking planet from Mars. You think ya’ll are tough big fat Arabs bombin’ the TradeCenter? I’ll show you tough.”
Remember these comments are because of not getting a receipt for a late night Dunkin Donuts run. What the hell did this cunt think was going to happen when she posted this video? Did she really believe that she was the one being oppressed? Well the internet responded in the greatest way possible trolling this horrible person until she was forced to take down her Facebook and LinkdIn pages. Her final status update that people found was this…
“Fuck off losers. I was exposing racism and raising awareness. And I know you all were thinking exactly what I said. So fuck you weakling.”
No we didn’t all think that. I thought ‘wow that Dunkin Donuts employee is really nice’. If I was him I would of taken a shit in her Café Coolata.
LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY. LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY….AND JERK OFF ON SOME FEET.
Hey, maybe things were different in my hometown.
So in the coming (or cumming) weeks 12 Pack Tudies is going to host a little game in trying to guess the opening weekend box office of the big summer blockbusters. We will invite you the listener in on the fun and sometime soon have prizes for the winners. This week we started the game with 2 mega-hits…
World War Z. Here is my issue with this movie. Brad Pitt. Right now you are probably thinking, “hey dude, Brad Pitt is awesome bro. go suck a fat D.”. First things first YOU SUCK A FAT D and secondly you are thinking of hyper-cool late 90’s to 2001 Brad Pitt. Fight Club Brad Pitt. This isn’t that BP. Here is the outline of his WWZ character “retired United Nations employee Gerry Lane”. Wow. Awesome. A United Nations employee. Sorry, retired UN employee. Here is a quote I got from the end of the world via my time machine…
“oh my god the world is going to end!!! Where is your god now!!!! Who can help us!!!! Hey look a retired United Nations Employee…we are saved. The world isn’t going to end thanks to that guy who filed papers for the Zaire consulate…you guys we are saved!!!!!”
Wait that never happened.
Sam had a better opinion thinking that our collective zombie obsession would bolster the weekend take so he guessed $100 million and I put it at somewhere near $80 million.
Monsters University. These Pixar films are just a legal way to print money. The original made 63 million in its’ open so I wagered it would be more. I believe Sam put it at $80 and I threw $100 into the mix.
Next week we will look at the numbers and bet on a new set of movies.
STREET OFF BEAT OFF!!!!
So I know most of you guys out there think you have mastered the art of self-erotica but you haven’t…science just did in the form of the VRSexKit. Get your dick off…in the future!!!!!!!!! Yes, Thrixxx.com (because three X’s means sexxxy) is in the works to create a VR sexual experience. A multi-component masturbation tool that goes with interactive 3D adult gaming. Basically take The Sims or Second Life and add in realistic boning. The VRSEXKIT includes VR googles, a mandwave reader, Microsoft Kinect motion capture camera, and a USB Fleshlight. So, you hook your Fleshlight up to an electrical device. You are fucking a computer…congrats.
I posed a fewe questions to Sam and the chatroom on some of the aspects of this 3D sex gaming like,
Would you faithfully recreate your body?
What would your VR cock look like?
Would you create regulr looking girls to bang or recreate famous cartoon/video game characters?
Sam said he would make himself but at age 25 when he was all muscly. I said I would make myself taller…than the towering 6’ 6” I stand at now. Maybe 8’ 3”. Sam also said he would make a VR approximation of his real life Whangus. I said I would make mine like a tuna can. Fat and stubby. Like way too fat and waaaay too stubby. So I guess just like in real life. Then we turned to the chatroom for what fictional characters we would all bang and the results we very telling. Tha Baroness from GI Joe, Flynn Rider from Tangled, Shang from Mulan, Sam wanted to bang Ariel, the mermaid version, from The Little Mermaid, and I chose Pikachu…no..wait…Cheetara from Thundercats…HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Grabbing onto the Sword of Omens and bring up my Claw Sheild to protect Thundera,
Defeater of Mumm-Ra James T Poling, TSOL, PCP, OPP
Funnier than Dad Boners!
The Anti-Christ walks in to a Dunkin Donuts with an iPhone. Bonnaroo, where all the white people are; The …read more
Requesting songs is easy! You can request them in real time during the show in the TapDetroit chatroom, you can call them in to me at 313-429-0801, you can tweet me @MotownVinnie, or just email me at info@motownvinnie.
As we take time to recharge our batteries & prepare for our NEW time slot 8-10pm I would like to take a moment to remember some very special people seeing as how it is “Memorial” day. First off my Uncle Gene Edward Arthur Plankey who always told me someday I would be famous. Though it hasn’t happened yet Uncle Gene was proud of everything I did & always supportive & of course a Veteran of Vietnam. My Grandfather George Edward Plankey who also served his Country & is no longer here but always taught me that hard work & commitment will pay off. He was 1 of the hardest working people I ever knew. He worked up till he was 81. He taught me respect, pride in our Country & how to take care of myself. Also like to talk about Terence “Bo” Jones. Out there in Idaho who also served his Country & gave more than most. This guys lost his legs & still fights the good fight every day. While some of us may be pissed off or angry cause we’re working too much or things don’t go the way we want them Bo continues on every day. I hope to meet him someday so I can tell him what an awesome dude he is & that this Country is better for having someone like him who served it. If you havent checked out Bo’s Dream Team page on fb PLEASE DO. Help Bo get his trike. Memorial day isn’t just about those we’ve lost. It’s also about those who served & are still here. Those who suffer through day after day wanting to just erase the horrible memories they have of what went on when they answered their call. PLEASE remember those people to not just those who aren’t with us anymore. Their all important trust me.
Have a safe holiday weekend. Enjoy & tune in Sunday night for the replay of The Tiny & Plankman Show with our guest Sick Smile in studio. You’ll laugh your ass off.
Thank you all & see you June 2nd from 8-10pm
Proud son of a Vietnam Veteran
Alkaline Trio’s tour brings them to
Clutch Cargo’s in Pontiac Michigan
May 29th 2013 to promote their new album
My Shame Is True
with Bayside & Off With Their Heads
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“God gave rock n roll to you, gave rock n roll to you, gave rock n rooooll to everyone.”
Paul Stanley, Starchild
“But in the seasons of the wither, we’ll stand and deliver, be strong…and rock hard.”
Vince Neil, had me up until hat last part
“Like a rock….”
Bob Seger, probably not talking about whatever Vince Neil was talking about
Man-pons? Yes, man-pons.
It gets hot. My ass gets sweaty. It’s like somebody dumped a load of KY down the back of my shorts. Not fun. But man-pons are a cheap and easy solution. Just fold up a paper towel or some TP and slip it between the cheeks. Keeps you dry all day. Boom.
Hey! Did somebody say Man-pon? No. awww shucks cuz it’s time for the…..
12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
(play the music that nobody heard last night because I forgot to press one button)
This is a special hero because it is actually a person we should be saluting. Veronika Scott, a Detroit native and College of Creative Studies student, took her product design assignment one step farther by creating a versatile product that she hopes can be used by Detroit’s homeless population. Scott designed a coat for winter that can transform into a sleeping bag and then for warmer months be turned into a duffel bag of sorts. Going one step even further Veronika Scott employed current or former homeless to work in her factory paying them above the minimum wage and offering microloans to help get them back on track. So far many nonprofit organizations have ordered the coats for free distribution to the homeless along with the Red Cross taking orders in for disaster relief kits that will be used throughout the nation.
Wow. A person who didn’t end up in jail as a hero…there’s a first time for everything.
There is an album coming out that we all need to own. There is a concert coming in June we all need to be at. Lee Majors and Josh Woodcock put together a Detroit compilation featuring The ILL Itches, The Ashleys, The Boy Wonders, The Handgrenades, Emily Rose and a whole slew of great acts. They recorded completely analog. They recorded it mostly live with minimal overdubs. Hell, in the middle of the Emily Rose song “Funfair” you hear a siren of a police cruiser go by. We played around three tracks and every single one of them was a knockout. “The Pathetic Sounds of Detroit” is getting it’s release at PJ’s Lager House on June 8th (a Saturday) and for $7 you get admission and a copy of the LP on VINYL!!!!! Oh wait and the first 200 people in the door get a special red vinyl. Yeah. Soooo no fucking excuses not to go. Almost every band is going to be at the show. I will repeat for those of you who skimmed the post…June 8th at PJ’s Lager House, you can pay $7 for admission and get a free vinyl copy of the “Pathetic Sounds of Detroit” LP featuring The Ashleys, the ILL Itches, The Boy Wonders, Citizen Smile, The Handgrenades, Nam Kook & The Typhoon, The Bad Mics, Hit Society, White Shag, Patrick Davy & The Ghosts, and local songstress Emily Rose.
Plus I’ma be at that show…getting hammered…probably dancing…maybe nearly nude.
Double plus…Lee Majors and Josh were awesome dudes and I hope they had a good time. Josh seemed to enjoy the free beer…Lee liked my homemade “Vandelay Industries” shirt.
So we used to end each show with a 12 pack list but for the last month or so we haven’t. that needed to be rectified and last night it was with this weeks…
12 PACK TUESDAY 12 PACK OF THE WEEK
People who cannot be reanimated as zombies as they will kill us all.
12) Patrick Swayze. He would romance the ladies with his dirtiest of dancings and then Roadhouse the shit out of us all. Zombie spin kicks and sweet mullet flow action? We would be doomed
11) Flo Jo. That broad could run faaaaaaaaast. Like faster than tween girls can text each other fast. Also her nails were crazy long and could scratch you with zombie juice.
10) Michael Jackson. The dance moves and his army of zombie children…shit yeah we went there.
9) Steve Jobs. iBrains. iMutilator. He would be like a messiah to hipster zombies and lets face facts, in a zombie apocalypse hipsters will die first.
8) The Macho King Randy Savage (and yes I am referencing the year Macho went around as the Macho King). Uhhh it starts with a flying elbow from the top rope and it ends with him eating your brains while applying the meanest of armbars. It would be all “OOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA!”
7) Chris Farley. Fat man full of energy who is also a zombie. And somewhere in here I did a great Adam Sandler impression (oh hee oh he nice lady wit da boobies hee ha hoh oh).
6) Teddy Roosevelt. What can I say that he didn’t kick it ass already.
5) Walt Disney. Frozen Cryo-head atop a zombie robot hybrid body?
4) Country music recording artist George Jones….where in the hell does Sam come up with this shit? That’s a question I should start asking.
3) Karen Carpenter. That bitch is gonna be STARVING when she comes back. She’ll be on top of the world, eating the brains of creation.
2) I cannot remember this one but it was good. Let’s just say Adam Sandler cuz that means we got to live in a world without Adam Sandler for a while.
1) Steve Irwin. The man hunted down apex predators and was only brought down by a stingray, which we all know is the dirtiest fighter in the animal kingdom. It’s like the guy who pulls out the dagger during a duel with swords. Seriously bro? You’re pulling out the dagger after like, 6 minutes of dueling? Weak.
Welp. That’s all folks. Tap will be on vacation next week so Sam and I will have a SUPERSHOW set up for the week after to trumpet our return.
Shining up his trumpets and fart machine,
Sensei James T Poling, ASCAP, UNCF, NAACP
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Some fear helps me from making mistakes, but I make a lot of mistakes”
Steve Irwin, hopefully still dead
“Politics is my hobby. Smut is my vocation”
Larry Flint, smut peddler
“Until the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines”
Michael Ian Black, loves the 70s 80s and 90s
You’ve just tuned into the sexiest blog on planet Erf, 1-800-56-TUDIES. With the hottest, wettest, most pleasing man-beefs operating our keyboards; you will experience waves of pleasures as our keystrokes caress every inch of your (hopefully) willing body. 1-800-56-TUDIES….mmmmmmmmmmmm.
And I grossed myself out…again….(vomitburp).
Yep, I DID IT AGAIN. Seven minutes into the show and I went from normal human being into the screaming, zero censor, jackass that we all know and love? Tudies! Yeah, so, uhhhh, phone sex still exists. Yeah, I know right? They’ve kind of flipped the format and filed it under “local singles chat line” but we all know it’s a whole bunch of phone sex. Internet porn really did lay to waste an entire aural titillation industry. If you were a chick back in the day why didn’t you have that as a side job? It literally takes no effort. Nowadays you gotta have a webcam show and all you get is a bunch of 13 to 15 year old kids typing in all caps to FIST YOUR CLAM DOGGER! That and foreign men asking you to ShOw FeeT PLZZZZZZZ!!!!! Man I hate that job. I mean…you hate that job?
subject change/<RED WINGS>.ssdctrl
So in light of every team and basically the powers that be at the NHL coming out as anti-Red Wing scum, how great is it that we beat the Anaheim Ducks and are now poised to play Chicago in our last Western Conference playoff before we skip town to the East? Pretty awesome. That’s all. Go away.
Oh and then Sam tried to lure into a fight by talking about Crocodile Dundee and he kind of won because I did rant on for a bit about Crocodile Dundee but that lead to a better conversation about Steve Irwin AKA the Crocodile Hunter. If, we hypothesize, there is a zombie apocalypse and the dead rise from their graves. We are totally screwed if zombie Steve Irwin comes back. That man could sneak up on crocs in their native habitat. Just to let you in a non-secret…crocs are fucking apex predators. They have ingrained natural instincts to thrash anything within it’s limb ripping circumference. So we need to get on the horn with the Aussie’s and have Steve Irwins corpse wrapped in a shroud and iron chains and then poured into a cement block. Next week we will have a 12 pack of dead people who also merit this kind of respect. Because this is out of respect for their badassery.
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEERRRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!
Brains, Brains! Brains, Brains!
For a change I thought we would head to …Florida, for fucks sake Florida! Coach James “Shannon” Arnette lost a thumb drive that was crucial to his teams success as it had all of the defensive plays and schemes contained within it. Now as a yankee of the north, this seems to be not a big deal but in the south it seems high school football is of great importance. So Arnette went to the police to report the missing drive. A few days later a student happened upon a thumb drive and took it home to see what was on it. Let’s be clear. He was looking for porn. That’s what I would do. That’s what you would do. We are all adults here…except for the girls in the photos on coach Arnette’s thumb drive. Yep. Dude had all kinds of pictures of underage girls. It appears that ol Ironhead Arnette (completely made that up) took pictures of the young ladies at his school focusing the cameras lens to the breasts and butts(authors side note: there isn’t a word for butt that doesn’t sound stupid: ass, rear, bottom, cheeks, dumpling, dumper, bumper, caboose). So the student decided to take the drive to police who then contacted Arnette…with their handcuffs. Oh and for good measure they also found 2 pictures of real kiddie porn on the drive. Oh and then more kiddie porn on his personal laptop. So he’s our hero? I guess? Is that how this works? No. Wait. I remember now. Coach Arnette is our very first inductee to the..
8=====D***MICHAEL (HEE HEEEEE) JASKSON WING***8=====D
It’s kitty corner to the Dane Cook wing. No not kiddie corner. Oh godammit, Coach Arnette.
Is anyone familiar with the band As I Lay Dying? I am not. The name is familiar but then again everything sounds kind of familiar to me these days. I walked into a stranger’s house yesterday and didn’t even notice until I was sitting on the toilet. I only noticed then because I was sitting on the dudes lap and his boner was poking me. Anyway, it seems if you are a fan of the group As I Lay Dying you are about to be sad cuz I think their recording days are over. Their lead singer Tim Lambesis totally tried to hire a hitman to kill his wife. His wife was trying to get their marriage dissolved. What a bitch. I mean to try and take a man’s money when he has worked himsel….wait dissolved? So she didn’t want anything? No? She just didn’t want to be married to a lead singer in a Christian metalcore band? I get that, sister. Luckily, Tim Lambesis’ hitman was an undercover officer and he is now in jail. The stinger in all of this is the whole aspect of them being an identified as “Christian” metal band. I was baptized, I had my first communion, I have a working knowledge of the precepts of faith in most major religions but I am not a religious man. I haven’t gone to a church service with the idea of being spiritually awakened since I was 8-ish. And even then I think I mostly went because I didn’t have a car or a choice not to go. But here I am not murdering people. Now under the Christian rules I would not be allowed into heaven because I never accepted Jesus as my personal lord and savior. Now Tim Lambesis, even after this, if he accepts Jesus back into his heart will be allowed in under the Christian faith. Bullshit! Also your band sucked anyway.
If we could all bow our heads for a moment and recognize a fallen companion
Angelina Jolie’s boobs
You will be missed
We had some good times
That time I taped Gia
The scene in Original Sin where Antonio Banderas bangs you like a cheap drum
Wipe away the tears. This too shall pass. Plus she got implants.
Lastly, Sam and I pondered what we would do if we somehow found ourselves in a closed Wal-mart/ Meijers. We had a story about a man who found a way to hide in a store and wait until closing time. He then grilled steaks, drank beer, did whippits, ate a birthday cake and basically lived the life of a king. In hindsight though he really should’ve brought someone else in on the deal. Two heads are better than one. Double the pleasure baby/ triple the fun!!!!! You know like the song from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Am I the only guy who owned that soundtrack? So we checked our 12 Pack Tudies itinerary and found slam beers at the top of the list. Just think about how great it would be to just crack open like 5 cans of beer and just pour them over your face. Then I decided smashing the tops of long neck bottles with a hammer was a good idea. Sam gets lost in the sporting goods store creating a shooting gallery as I lined an aisle with cakes, pies, and cooking oil. ULTIMATE SLIP N SLIDE!!!!! Then we hit the pharmacy. Sam breaks things made of glass. I dress up in womens clothing complete with high heels. Smash a few TV’s. Salami football. Everybody goes home happy.
Waiting for you in a lime green bikini, covered in pie, with a salami in one hand,
Sexy MF James T Poling esq.
“The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
So I completely forgot to post the last 2 mixtapes here on the ol’ Loveletter. My Bad. It was kind of a dick move but i am totally going to post all of the rest from now on. I promise. Well unless i forget again.
MIXTAPE- YOU’VE GOT NO MORALS, SO I’VE GOT NO QUARRELS
“The Devil Loves You” by AFI
“I’m Not A Sicko, There’s A Plate In My Head” by The Oblivians
“My So Called Friend” by BigWig
“Gonna Find A Cave” by Girl Trouble
“Laws Against Laughing” by The Crucifucks
“Spikes To You” by Drive Like Jehu
“An Idea For A Movie” by The Vandals
“Make Me A Chevy” by The Promise Ring
“You Give Love A Bad Name” by Skif Dank
“I Like Food” by The Descendents
“Riot” by Basement 5
“Two Crooks” by American Steel
“Redemption” by Inside Out
“I Am The Hunted” by Charged GBH
“Doublewhiskeycokenoice” by Dillinger Four
“Punch Me Harder” by The Supersuckers
“Sounds Of Laughter” by T.S.O.L.
end of tape.
I also snuck in some Germs and Lemonheads during the break. The Lemonheads song was called “Uhhh”. Best song title of the week.
Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it. If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…
…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.