Trying to just pick ONE movie to encapsulate the entirety of Halloween is nearly impossible.  I know there is an entire series of movies (and a few reboots) called “Halloween” but even those aren’t good enough to stand alone for the holiday.  This list is for you true blue horror freaks (FREEEEEEEKKKZZZ!!!) out there who will wake up early as hell and stay up godawful late and watch nothing but gore-infused cinema.  Starting with…..

5:00am:  Dead Space: Downfall.  If it’s the morning time then it’s time for cartoons…end of story.  This particular cartoon was released as a peripheral story supplement to the Dead Space 3 video game release.  It is super violent and one of the characters has an amazing ‘toon rack.  The choice between easing you into the Halloween marathon and shocking your systems at 5am was a hard one so I went with a little of both.

6:15am: Blood: The Last Vampire (anime).  I have to specify the anime version from 2000 because there was a live action remake made in 2009.  Again, it’s early so I like cartoons.  This one is full of bat-like creatures getting ripped apart by swords and spewing gallons of blood.  I don’t know why I need to type that down because I just described 79.87% of all anime.  The other percent is full of man eating vaginas and tentacles.

7:05am: House.  At this point you are probably getting hungry sooo go ahead and eat.  The 1986 classic starring William Katt (The Greatest American Hero) and Richard Moll (Bull from Night Court) is a good film to make breakfast to.  You would think that next I would have you watch “House II: Second Story” but….

8:38am: Pumpkinhead.  …House II is the fucking worst.  It stars Arye Gross and a zombie cowboy grandpappy which sounds way cooler than it is.  “Pumpkinhead” stars Lance Henriksen.  I’ve heard rumors that Lance Henriksen’s face is hard than DINOSAUR bone. 

10:04am: Gothic.  Set on the night that Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, director Ken Russell lends his flamboyant camera style to what could’ve been a boring period piece.  Plus, Thomas “She Blinded Me With Science” Dolby wrote the soundtrack and it stars Julian Sands.

11:32am: Cherry Falls.  I think I can sell you on this movie with the one sentence they used to pitch this movie…Jay Mohr as a cross-dressing psychopath chasing around Brittany Murphy trying to carve the word “virgin” into her inner thigh.  Ok, where do I sign over this $5 million dollars because I am sold!!!

1:04pm: Zombieland.  I haven’t been to movie with my father in years.  The absolute second after he saw the trailer to Zombieland he called me up and informed me that we were going opening weekend to see it.  Then we went to Chili’s and got drunk.

2:32pm: Midnight Meat Train. Another great Clive Barker adaptation.  Vinnie Jones bashing peoples heads in with a meat tenderizer.  Also, pre-super famous Bradley Cooper for the ladies to ogle.  That is until Vinnie Jones bashes his head in and all the “Not on People’s Sexiest People Of The Year List” people rejoice.

4:10pm: Ginger Snaps.  Besides organized hockey leagues and Tim Horton’s, this is the best thing Canada has given us.  A teenage girl gets attacked by a werewolf and soon becomes a total she-bitch.  With strange allusions to the nature of werewolves to the menstrual cycle of a woman, Canadian “hotties”, and dog-murder.  Thanks Canada.

5:58pm: Feast.  One of those great balances between jokes and scares, Feast is fun to watch.  It’s violent and kind of stupid but a great film for mid-day as we roll into the night.

7:33pm: The House Of The Devil.  There is a lot to be said for tone and pacing when it comes to a truly good horror movie.  Most horror films just keep shooting hot loads into your face without reason or civility.  “The House of the Devil” lights a fire in the fireplace, pours you a drink, gives you a backrub, and then shoots a huge load of fear and terror into your eyes.

9:08pm: Dead Alive.  This is high octane horror.  There are so many insane things that happen that I can’t really begin to describe one without the other.  Those of you who have seen “Dead Alive” know exactly what I’m talking about.  Those of you who haven’t seen it…shame on you!  This film was directed by Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson before he was an American household name.  Ok, I’ll give you one lil spoiler:  Lawnmower zombie massacre.

10:51pm: Paranormal Activity 2.  There seems to be a huge gap of people who love and/or hate these films.  I’m kind of on the fence.  I’m not going to award them any huge compliments but the general idea and execution are flawless.  The 2^nd film in the series is, for me at least, the most frightening.

12:32am: The Last Exorcism.  I feel the hate from you already for not including “The Exorcist” anywhere on the list but to be fair almost everyone has seen it.  “The Last Exorcism” is one many passed on because it was released during a time when every month a new exorcism/devil movie was being released.  This is a shame because “The Last Exorcism” is a great flick.  The final sequence is fucking awesome.

1:59am: The Faculty.  Sometimes you need a good laugh and “The Faculty” is a laugh riot.  Aliens land in a small town and take over the local high school and it’s up to The Nerd, The Jock, The Weird Girl, The Cheerleader, and The Bad Boy to stop it.  So it’s basically a cross of The Breakfast Club and Invaders From Mars.  FUN FACT: as a teenager my girlfriend referred to this movie as “The Gay-ulty”.  Not that funny unless you happen to be 15 or 16 years old.

3:42: Cabin In The Woods.  If the movie “Scream” had a huge dick it would have been this movie.  Taking on all of the tropes of horror movies and still being solid enough to actually get a few scares, this will keep you awake til the end of the night.  And now you can sleep…well try to sleep anyway.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday morning’s ATR was a blast! Thanks to sum1, Wenchie, Shudder Mom, CJ The Music God, Alienstone, Germ and everybody else who listened and hung out in chat! You can listen to the replay below from the archive!

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“If you dress like Halloween, ghouls will try to get in your pants”

                                                                        Castor Troy

“Herro, Derivery”

                        That Fucking “Rice, Rice Baby” guy again…2 weeks in a row!

“Penis! Penis! Penis!”

                        The judge from the Pauly Shore Masterpeice “Jury Duty”

             It was a solemn occasion as we at 12 Pack Tuesday’s said goodbye to an old friend….well, not really a friend…more like a guy we bought drugs from once but then afterwards he kept calling to hang out but we didn’t really want to hang with him as we find him waaaaay creepy.  Actually it is nothing like that at all.

            The Tapdetroit computer is dying you guys.  It, in the last few weeks, has crashed numerous times on almost everyone’s show.  On this particular day it had crashed 4 times before we started 12 Pack Tudies.  The odds were not in our favor for the computer to survive.  Miraculously we did make it the entire show without crashing the computer and remember this was a show where I googled Brazilian Fart Porn.

(whop, whop, whop, pffffffft……you gonna eat that sandwich?)

              So yes the computer was having its last show as the new PC had arrived and we decided to give it a loving send off by repeatedly trying to crash it.  We also said goodbye to longtime Detroit Most Wanted Kwame Kilpatrick.  It is weird to think of how long this debacle has gone on for.  The man hasn’t held office in what….8 years?  So goodbye old computer.  I think back to all the tentacle rape porn, girls gargling milk videos, bouncy boob gif’s, Moonlight Bunny Ranch hooker menus, and Chris Hanson soundboards and I think you were a great friend to us.  And to Kwame Kilpatrick, when I think back to all the stolen money, bad politics, dead hookers, bribery scandals, and dead hookers, I feel a sense of “why the hell did we elect this man twice?” and laugh a little each time.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  Sorry I thought I smelled a ghost but it turns out it was

 THE 12 PACK TUESDAY “HEROOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!”

             So the age of the door-to-door salesman in over and nowadays if you knock on someones door you better be

1. a friend
2. a Jehovah’s Witness
3. a pizza dude
4. or the cops

       But not Jeanette Ellis.  She was going door to door salesmanning what she thought was a surefire goldmine.  VHS PORNNOGRAPHY.  Yeah, I think you are a little late to the party Jeanette.  She admitted she had watched some of the videos so really she was selling slightly used VHS pornography which makes it even more gross.  The real story here was that Plankey used to sell pizza’s door-to-door in his youth.  A young Plankman answered an ad in the paper (this takes place somewhere between 1876-1999, I have no idea how old Plankey is) that said Warehouse work.  When Planks arrived at the warehouse they told him he was going to sell things door to door and only after that would he work his way up to the warehouse.  Plankey was then told he would sell hot pizzas to people.  Everyday Plankey came in had to purchase the pizzas from the warehouse and then try to sell them DOOR TO DOOR for a profit. Then one day while peddling his prodigious pizzas he was fined by the police for soliciting without a license.  So basically he lost money buying pizzas everyday and then was fined by the city of Pontiac for his efforts.  Poor Plankey.

            Hey, do you like t-shirts?  What about t-shirts with fun slogans? Well then kiddies try on these bad boys….

            Solid Gold Bomb of Melbourne, Australia got in a lil trouble with their new shirt slogans.  The slogans are a take on the old “Keep Calm and Carry On” slogans made popular by world war 1 and TheChive.com.  But these t-shirts were a whole new low in cheap shock value.

 Keep Calm and Rape Me

Keep Calm and Rape A Lot 

Keep Calm and Choke Her

 …and so on and so forth.  The Force, Plankey, and I all agreed it’s not so much the message but the fact that the slogans are super lame that is upsetting.  It’s like a 13 year old got a hold of their printing press and made what he thought would be the most offensive thing he could think of.  I’m not saying rape isn’t gross or that wearing these shirts wouldn’t have people rubbernecking to reread the message but seriously try harder.  Also coming soon to Tapdetroit are the new 12 Pack Tuesday shirts with all new hilarious slogans….

 Stay Full, Eat A Baby

Your Grandma Tasted Soooo Good!

Penis? Vagina!

I Only Fuck With My Knifedick

Asshole? Sticky!

Rapin’ 24/7

Your Butthole Is My Toilet

 Look for these fine shirts at a retailer near you!!!!!!!

           So we had a long and protracted discussion about the Jody Arias trail but I honestly started to lose focus and just hit the Chris Hanson Soundboard through most of this so here is a transcription form my memory of what happened.

(All Hanson quotes will be italicized)

So guys this Jody Areolas trail is…..i like rape…and the jury has the ability…suck on my..PENIS…you know she has the look and demeanor of a sociopathic…..can I rape you anally…What the fuck Plankey why would you even agree that the woman in question…what bra size do you wear…

             And that is about how it was. 

 Hey, before I forget Lunch Meat Porn exists.  Do you feel better for knowing that?  Because I sure don’t.

 Oh, and just in case you were wondering in the video a well booty endowed woman claps her butt cheeks over a sandwich, a man manually spreads her cheeks and she farts on the sandwich, then somebody eats it.  I had to share.  It’s like that movie “The Ring” if I get you to watch it my nightmare can end.  Also, why didn’t somebody just sock that ugly bitch in “The Ring” right in her watersoaked face?  Bitch come outta my TV, bitch get tossed through my TV.  Scary ass bitch.

            Here is where I would type out the 12 pack but honestly I forget most and let’s just say all of them.  So here is an excerpt from a musical I’m writing based off of the popular movie Face/Off starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.

* Hard Rock beat

 Castor Troy- “ where the fucks my fucking faccccccceeeeee. I can’t see up in this place!”

 Scientist 1 – “ the FBI. They  took your face”

 Scientist 2 – “they said they wanted to make a case”

 Scientist 3 – “to put the bad guys in their place!

 Castor Troy – “I see you’ve made your case, but now your deaths you all will taste.  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!”

 Castor Troy shoots the 3 scientists and looks into the mirror seeing the face of his enemy FBI agent Sean Archer.

 *Slower beat, soft music plays

 Castor Troy – “I never have felt this alone, not knowing this skin or these cheekbones, but to these hard streets I must roam, and find Archers wife to lay some bone.”

END SCENE

 Dude, I’m gonna get so paid!!!!!!

                                    Living in a fantasy world of my own creation,

                                                                     Poet Laureate James T Poling esq.

              “The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”

                                                                                    Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

            It was a pretty awesome week to be me as I didn’t have to compile a damn thing!  Guest Mixtape-ologist Shawn Addison of Silent Films Booking put together a great show and also played The Bill Bondsmen.  Also Dead Boys.  Also Detroit 442.  Also Millencolin.  Oh and The Dils.  Also, Italian Punk Rock (The Snooky’s)?  I like not doing stuff.  It is the best.  Please send Olin emails saying that I no longer have to do any work.

 !!!SILENT NIGHT/DEADLY NIGHT!!!

 *****SIDE A*****

The Descendants – “Bikeage”

The Queers – “Granola Head

Rancid – “This Place”

Negative Approach – “Can’t Tell No One”

Detroit 442 – “I Hate this Job”

Dead Boys – “Sonic Reducer”

Black Flag – “Depression”

Bad Brains – “Pay To Cum”

Glassjaw – “Radio Cambodia”

Operation Ivy – “Big City”

ALL – “World’s On Heroin”

Osker – “Alright”

Millencolin – “Blackeye”

*****SIDE B*****

 Sham 69 – “Borstal Breakout”

The Bill Bondsmen – “Disaster Prone”

The Dils – “Mr. Big”

Government Issue – “No Way Out”

Minor Threat – “Think Again”

The Casualties – “Under Attack”

Richard Hell & The Voidoids – “Blank Generation”

Rise Against – “Black Masks And Gasoline”

Penetration – “Don’t Dictate

The Snooky’s – “Boring Me Is Boring”

The Rich Kids – “Ghost Of Princes In Towers”

End of tape

 Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it.  If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…

            gogeezorgohome@gmail.com

…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

 “I’m So Ronery”

            Kim Jong Il

“Herro, derivery”

            Guy from “Rice, Rice Baby”

“Sorry Asians.”

                        Me

             Honestly what can I say about the show last night that isn’t already logged in an NSA data bank somewhere in Utah?  A lot, NSA.  A whole hell of a lot.  So Muslims, Jews, North Koreans…well..Asians in general and women, men, and children.  Yes, that is the list of who we probably pissed off last night.  But not you people.  Sexy, sexy people with your boobies and dongs.  Just waving them around like you just don’t care.  What was I talking abooouuuuuttttttt….oh yeah the show.  So I was thanking the gods (Thanks Odin!) that my car didn’t get slammed into Sunday night and then we tried our best at sweet Chicago accents but I kept reverting back to a Boston accent because Ah’m wicked sshmaart, wise guy.  Beers, brats, Berenger.  This went on for awhile but no apologies are so far needed so that’s good.  Man, Zach Fallstitch must listen to 12 Pack Tudies and hear the dollars roll in.

            I once had a dream I was an eagle soaring above the water and in a cloud I saw……………

            THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEERRRROOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!

            To get the full effect of last week imagine that was said through one of those voice box electro thingys they give to people who get their throats ripped out by cancer.  So this week’s hero is the sharing and caring government agency known as the NSA or National Security Agency.  Olin and the NSA are besties, btw.  So the NSA is currently building $2 billion structure in Utah (no, You Tah) that will serve as a data center.  In reality this is where the government is going to spy on you.  Wait.  First off do we really have $2 billion to spend on spy shit?  I’m pretty sure we are living in an economical climate where you aren’t supposed to build giant expensive buildings with the sole purpose of spying on your own people.   Your private emails, cell phone conversations, Google search history, and “digital litter” will all be processed and stored in Utah.  I have some digital litter for the NSA’s digital face….poop…I will poop in their face.  So where was I going with this story?  KASHMIR HILL.  Former stripper Kashmir Hill.  Well, we aren’t 100% on the stripper part but with that name she was a stripper.  Well she is a reporter for Forbes magazine (don’t worry, you don’t know about Forbes magazine because it’s for rich people. Honestly.  Who buys Forbes?  Wait.  Steve Forbes buys Forbes) and while writing her article about the NSA pleasuredome she took an innocent picture of the above mentioned Sex-a-teria and was accosted by two NSA agents.  That’s isn’t the important part the important part is PLANKEY WENT TO THE TITTY BAR!!!!!!!!!

            Yes!!!!!  Our very own Plankman went to the strip club and got all manner of boobies rubbed on his face.  I am as proud as a dad you just found his son in bed with the hottest girl in high school.  Well done, son.  Well done.  During all this talk we discovered there was a secret Vagina Geneva Convention held a long time ago where women made it a mandate that stripes were insane amounts of body glitter so that when men go to strip clubs they come home with evidence literally all over their face. 

            Then Sam and I made motorboat sounds for 2 minutes. 

            And then the North Korea thing happened.  So Dennis Rodman went to North Korea and ever since then he has been all over the web and news streams rallying on about how great North Korean and it’s Baby Huey leader Kim Jung Un is.  That is the story we were talking about and then rather mysteriously the computer at Tapdetroit studio’s had a major malfunction and the show went offline.  Then while we were trying to repair the computer and connect to our stream we saw that an outside source was blocking our content and were broadcasting to you our listeners.  We listened in and were horrified to find out that the NORTH KOREANS HAD TAKEN US OVER!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Okay so in reality a small difficulty shut us down for a few minutes and while we rebooted I had the “brilliant” idea that we should come back and talk in horrible racist Asian accents and talk about how great Dennis Rodman and Kim Jung Un is.  The jury is still out on whether or not it was funny.  No seriously.  There is a jury.  I am being sued by North Korea and Scientologists (they’ll sue anyone).  I wish you people got to see how mad Sam got when I blew the bit. 

            So Playboy has opened up a new branch with a Playboy Israel.  Yeah, that Israel.  The “ladies gots to be covered up” Israel.  The “your body is a temple to god and only god should see your temple” Israel.  Which if you think about that whole god/body/temple thing, it’s kinda fucked up that only God can see your body.  He made the damned thing why does he have to stare at you like a dude outside your window at night?  Whatever.  But yeah, I’m excited to see some sexy Israeli boobs and butts.  Of course Sam pointed out that with the internet we could probably find Israeli porn easily. 

            This week we definitely wrote out an amazing 12 pack of the week and didn’t just come up with stuff off the tops of our heads.  Shit.  We did and I will try my hard est to remember each and every one of them……

 12 Pack Tudies presents….The 12’er of the Week

12 THINGS THAT ARE …GOOD.

So these probably won’t be in the right order if I can even remember any of them.

12 – fuuuuuck.

11 – shiiiiiiiiit.  Wait.  Sam did say making it to the gas station when you’re not sure you can make it.

10 – Knowing you’re going to get laid.  It takes all the pressure off and you can just act like a dick

9 – Finding money in an old pair of pants.  Best.  Day.  Ever.

8 – Going to the fridge and finding that you still have beer and you weren’t even trying to find one.

7 – fuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

6 – ccccccckkkkkkkk.

5 – realizing you are awake, mobile and it’s still time for McDonalds breakfast.

4 – I said last week, JT you are going to write this shit down next week and then I got drunk and forgot.

3 – I’m sure this was a good one…

2 – as was this…

1 – BLOWJOBS!!!!!

Sam has a point there.  Blowjobs rule. And then this happened….

 ASK JT with your host-o with the most-o Sam Thomas.

            Ok, so a lot of questions were asked and I gave you the best answers I could give but I will outline only one here in the blog.  For the rest of my amazing and life altering advice head on over to the Archive page on tapdetroit.com and listen to last nights show.  The question has been reworded but not altered in any way to change it’s original question.

SHUDDERMOM asks JT:  If you are on a date with a lady and are trying to steer the night activity to a blowjob, how would you do that?

JT:  for dinner I would get her a hot dog, for dessert a popsicle and as a gift a ring pop.  I think she would get the idea.  QUESTION BUKKAKE”D!!!

                                          Offering you a hot dog, a popsicle, and a ring pop,

                                                             Lord James T Poling DFT, BBW, ATM

The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…

Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

I never understood the whole “these laces mean your racist and these mean you aren’t thing with Dr. Martens Boots. Yes. I pronounce it Dr. Martens Boots. The idea that you are representing an entire fundamental ideaology on the color of your laces is strange. Also, racism is terrible and you are terrible for being racist, racists! So today’s mixtape is titled “Dr. Martens Boots. The boots with the air flow soles.” And no matter what color your laces are (my laces were always electric pink zebra print to signify my allegiance to the Informative Youth Zoology Explosionists) this mix will guaranteedly put a smile on your Chevy Chase.

*****SIDE A*****

Youth Brigade – “Did You Wanna Die”
The Descendants – “Der Weinerschnitzel”
MU330 – “Pool Party”
The Queers- “Ursula Finally Has Tits”
Alexei Sayle & Radical Posture – “Dr. Martens Boots”
King Missile – “Cheesecake Truck”
Bratmobile – “Bitch Theme”
The Supersuckers – “The Nowhere Special”
Dag Nasty – “What Now?”
Samhain – “He Who Cannot Be Named”

*****SIDE B*****

Necromantix – “Devil Smile”
American Steel – “Maria”
Poison Idea – “Castration”
Red Kross – “Cover Band”
Kraut – “Unemployed”
Bl’ast! – “Poison”
Subhumans – “Mickey Mouse Is Dead”
Diesel Boy – “Fooligan”

End of tape

BONUS TRAXX

Reel Big Fish – “S.R.”

Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it. If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…

gogeezorgohome@gmail.com

…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Take Jimmy Johnson take Tommy Thompson, take my best friend Bo.”

                                                            Tim McGraw, not takin’ the girl

“I asked her out she said “no way”, I shoulda probably guessed her gay.”

            The Beastie Boys, before they got old and apologized for saying things like that

“Titties so big you can see ‘em from the back.”

                                    Me, right now, I just said that

            Samuel L. Action Jackson makes his comeback to the Tap studio and the show went immediately to weirdness and talk about Plankey’s wang.  Even with a clusterfuck of snow trying to keep us apart, the 12 Pack Tuesday crew arrived “on time?” and helped you get through the night.  Olin didn’t have to light his property on fire.  Olin is happy about this.

            Cheese it you guys!!! The government is cracking down on illegal downloads!!!!!  Oh shit, we are sooooooo busted!!!

            Lies.  Everybody’s going to be fine.  First off you get 6, count em, 6 warnings before your ISP starts to slow your connection making your computer run like that 97 modem job that you used when you were a kid.  How many of us jacked off to just the tops of boobs?  So many.  Sooooo many.  I didn’t know what nipples looked like until I was 15 years old.  True story. But yeah, you will be warned by your ISP and if your are caught in a 7^th violation your connection speed will be slowed and you can appeal for $35 to have the connection reinstated to its normal speed.  Who came up with these numbers?  6 warnings?  35 dollars?

NAPSTER BITCHES!!!!!!

            Hey, what’s that smell?

IT’S THE 12 PACK TUDIES HEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

            Gregory Jackson Sr. was a man in need of a cheeseburger and seeing as he was too drunk, on pills, methed out, or zooted to drive to a local burger joint he called in some assistance…in the form of 911.  Our hungry hero was at first rebuffed and had to call back to 911 because obviously the operator didn’t understand the emergency.  Nine phone calls later 911 did dispatch a unit to the home of Gregory Jackson Sr., a police unit.  It seems Mr. Jackson had a few warrants out for his arrest and after harassing 911 for an hour and a half, the authorities decided to be proactive.  I have to say I was against the idea of G. Jack getting arrested for making some stupid calls.  Sam and The Force and Plankey all aligned against me saying that you can’t prank 911.  I fought back with the idea of he technically wasn’t pranking 911 and the police should of just talked him down.  Then we found out about the warrants and I decided that, no, G. Jack is a moron.  You don’t poke the bull while it sleeps, bro.  I know. I had a warrant and I did everything I could to avoid contact with the authorities….no word on if G. Jack ever received a burger.

            I think it is safe to say that most of our listeners are alcoholics or at least “problem drinkers”.

            “Hey, fuck you, James T Poling.  I don’t have a drinking problem.”

            “I’m sorry.  I couldn’t hear you over your LIES.”

So, yeah, you are all raging alcoholics who need treatment but not before you catch some of the shit we scooped.  Anheuser-Busch is currently in a class action lawsuit with people in multiple states over a report that they are watering down their beers as a cost cutting measure.  If I may interject, it has to be pointed out that as much as I side with the people filing this lawsuit, it blows my mind that “THIS BEER DIDN’T GET ME DRUNK ENOUGH!!!!” can be grounds for legal proceedings.  The case started when a former employee of A-To-The-Beezle claimed that as a matter of corporate practice water is added right before bottling dropping the alcoholic content of the beer.  InBev the company that bought ABeezy in 2008 claims this is baseless slander and that they adhere to the strictest of brewing standards.  Yeah, right.  We’ve all tasted your beers, InBev.  It tastes like watery diabetic piss and apparently that’s exactly what it is.  So to shield you from harm here is a list of beers that were listed in the lawsuit.

Budweiser (eh, no harm there)

Bud Ice (NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)

Bud Light Platinum (The supposed high quality beer that tastes like shoes)

Michelob (1000000 dads just cried a lil)

Michelob Ultra (and now their wives are crying too)

Hurricane High Gravity Lager (WHERE CAN I FIND THIS?!??!!!)

King Cobra (NOT THE 40’S TOO!!!!!!!!!!)

Busch Ice (Your “single and lovin it” uncle says whaaaaaaat!)

Natural Ice (newly single dads are pissed)

Bud Light Lime (my dad is pissed)

Beware of these beers and avoid at all costs.  We did point out that as Michigan natives we should never drink these anyway as we have a bounty of local breweries that offer far superior products (some of them are from Lake Superior).  Of course, I said this as I was drinking Bud Ice.  As an experiment we tracked how drunk I got throughout the show.  Not really drunk is the answer.  In fact I was more sober at the end of the show than the start.  That’s probably just my liver hating me.

            Somewhere in the show last night we went into a loooong discussion about Plankey abusing his penis.  Should I apologize to you the listener or to Plankey?  Both? Neither, either, nor, or neither?  Whatever it made me laugh a lot.  We really did talk a lot about cock and vag.  So much so that Kelly and Shuddermom left the chat room.  Also, Tim McGraws “Don’t Take The Girl” got played and I believe it was Shuddermom in the chat room who said something to the effect of they never thought that song would be played on 12 Pack Tudies.  Well, surprise surprise.  We did something strange again.  NO ONE IS SAFE FROM 12 PACKAMANIA!!!!!!!!

                        Did you guys know that we are living in a pope-less world?  Here you were figuring that you were safe and could just go on being a sinner and just repent at the end and get a Papal pardon from the Pontiff.  Well, guess again sweetheart!  No POPE for you!!!!!  But, ever the public (or pubic) servants Sam and I whipped up a list of 12 people who could, or should be the Popal Papal Peoples….

*****12 Pack Of the Week*****

12) Hugh Hefner.  Old? Check.  White? Check.  Looks good in flow-y pajamas that he wears in the daytime? Check.  What more do you need?  Oh right. Religion and a soul.

11) Here is where Sam made a suggestion but as I forgot to write them down/ maybe Sam should start emailing his side of the list, I have no clue what he said here.  But this is more incentive to actually listen to the show….you lazy bastard.  Mossburger I’m looking right at you.

Soooooooo should I go on with just my side of the list or just scrap it all together?  It’s tough because I feel bad because Sam had some real gems in his list and then I feel like I’m doing him a disservice by not printing it here.  Okay here are my suggestions and if Sam emails me the SAMMY side of the list I will update it later.  Why am I telling you all of this?  Transparency folks.  You want it in your government but you get it in your internet radio shows…

10) (Sam shouldn’t feel too bad because I literally just had to pull up my list to remember what I wrote down)  Barack Hussein Obama.  Only because this would piss a looooot of people off.

8)  Cardinal Leonardo Sandri.  His age and catholic alignment are making him a shoe in for Papalcy.  A born Argentinean also is making him a hot prospect with the catholic church because they realized that they have been a tad Euro-centric for the past, I dunno, 1000 years.

6) (here’s where the joke pays off, btw) Arizona Cardinal Larry Fitzgerald.  A 6’3” 219 lbs pope with dreadlocks.  Yes!

4) Joe Pecsi.  No comment needed.

2) Hulk Hogan.  He already told a million kids to say their prayers and eat their vitamins in the eighties.  Also pics of Pope Hogan leg dropping the devil and big booting demons will be placed in all churches.

So hopefully Sam shoots me an email and I will update this post with the full list.  But until that happens this is the end of the Hangover blog……so yeah…..stop reading…..go eat breakfast or something…….what is that a grapefruit……..can I have one………..

            Really wanting a grapefruit now that you mentioned it

                                    Lord James T Poling esq, CCCP,NCAAP,ASCAP

    “The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”

                                                                                    Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

            Oh, winter.  You suck.  No seriously winter get THE FUCK OUTTA MY STATE!!!!!!  On a lighter note let’s talk mixtapes.  Last nights mixtape to be exact.  I named it “Way Out For An Indoor Kid” to elicit memories of faking illness, nuking a mug of Swiss Miss, firing up the SNES, and ignoring the mundane snowy landscape that has engulfed your town, city, or suburb.  But, alas, I am old and have to shovel driveways and drive to work.  There is no Major Magic’s mug of hot cocoa and well, ok, I still have my SNES hooked up…without further ado here is your mixtape for the weekend.

I’M WAY OUT FOR AN INDOOR KID

*****Side A*****

Groovie Ghoulies – “She’s Got A Brain Scramblin’ Device”

The Flesh Eaters – “Pony Dress”

Gorilla Biscuits – “Sittin’ Round At Home”

30footFall – “Punk Rocks In Your Head”

Faith No More – “Anne’s Song”

The Mr. T Experience – “Psycho Girl”

Sham 69 – “Cockney Kids Are Innocent”

The Broadways – “I Hear Things Are Just As Bad Down In Lake Erie”

*****Side B*****

The Death Folk – “Smiley Jack”

Killing Joke – “Eighties”

The Damned – “Neat Neat Neat”

The Meatmen – “Kill The Hippies”

Pussy Galore – “You Look Like A Jew”

7 Seconds – “Here’s Your Warning”

Gas Huffer – “The Piano Movers”

Alkaline Trio – “Message From Kathleen”

End of Tape.

***Bonus Traxx***

The Offspring – “Gotta Get Away”

JFA – “Preppy”

GG Alin – “Sluts In The City”

Every week Friday at 6:30pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it.  If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…

            gogeezorgohome@gmail.com

…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Doc Martins and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.

Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Absurdity and anti-absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.”

                                    Karl Lagerfeld, German Creep and Sunglasses Enthusiast

“The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.”

                                                Garth Brooks, Ultimate Cowboy

“One, two princes kneel before you, that’s what I said now.  Princes, princes who adore you, just go ahead now.  One has diamonds in his pockets, that’s some bread now.  This one said he wants to buy you rockets, ain’t in his head now”

                                    Christopher Gross, Spin Doctor with a Pocket Full Of Kryptonite

So due to unforeseen circumstances Sam couldn’t make it to the show, Mossburger decided to stay home and even Plankey bailed leaving your good buddy James T Poling without any friends.  So Olin and I dusted off our super secret Wonder Twin rings and made contact….

            SUPER TAP DETROIT POWERS ACTIVATE!!!!!!!

            JAMES TAKES FORM OF CRIPPLING ALCOHOLIC WITH A BOOB FIXATION!!!!

OLIN BECOMES A BUCKET OF ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WITH RAGE CONTROL ISSUES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…and all was right with the world, GO TEAM!!!!  So yeah, we decided to make it a 12 Pack/Olin Ezra Supershow packing 4 hours into 2 hours and man did it ever start out with a ba…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………(9-12 minutes of silence later)…………………..ng. 

            It seems the cosmic radiation of melding the shows together crashed the computer and some people were left wondering what the fuck was going on.  I wish you could’ve heard the conversation during the blackout.  Well, unless you are Mossburger or Zaldor.  Oh hey what’s that tapping my shoulder? Is it the cops because I am drunk as hell?  Oh, wait, no it’s the HERROOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

            Nedra Byrd is a Floridian mother who was (probably not) surprised to be woken up in her trailer by the police.  The cops poked at her with a stick (made that bit up but I’m willing to bet money its true) until she woke up.  When asked where her son was she responded “he’s in his room” and then added that she was “drunk as hell”.  Well it turns out her son wasn’t in his room but roaming the streets of Florida naked as the day he was born.  He also was drunk as hell.  The boy was found naked and babbling and in the Byrd household the police found a near empty bottle of brandy.  Brandy?  That kid is hardcore!  Olin recalled his first sips of thee ol’ boozaroony and I remember putting back a taste of scotch in my youth and I thought my head was on fire.  On a weird note: What happened to rapper Flo Rida?  Is he still alive?

            It’s hard for me to recall what happened next on the show as The Wonder Twins magic of Olin Ezra and James T Poling is a wandering, stream of consciousness magic.  We stumbled into many weird avenues such as bear porn and…. Wait let me explain.  Tiny showed Olin and Mike Parsons a video of people treeing, shooting and then fucking on top of a bear.  I would go into detail more but that’s all you need to know.  They killed a bear for the expressed purpose of bending a woman over it and then having strange sex.  As per Olin, “The guy in the video kept saying ‘jiggle that bear, jiggle it!’”, ewwwwww.  What else happened……oh yeah the lotto brother’s story!

            So let’s say you and your bro-sef just won a $75’000.00 lottery how would you spend that first night?  If you are arguing the point that you are an only child you really need to focus.  So the two bro’s were partying to celebrate their fortuitous winfall when an explosion rocked their house and sent one bro-tini to the emergency room with 2^nd degree burns on his hands, arm, and chest.  The other brother was booked on suspicion of drug charges.  The 2 Bro-dilly-o’s explained that they were refilling their butane lighters and must have released to much butane in the air which then reached the pilot light of the furnace and then caused the explosi………….YOU WERE COOKING METH!!!!!!  Honestly, how much butane could you have possibly released while filling a lighter?  I’m going on record as saying you were either huffing butane or making meth.  It doesn’t help that meth was found on the scene.

            So I’ve avoided the Chris Dorner story for long enough and because it was a 12 Pack/OE Supershow we got into the fray by talking about the last remnants of Chris Dorner.  Dorner (as you probably know by now) was killed in a firefight standoff with police and when authorities went in to retrieve the body, after the fire was extinguished, they say Chris Dorner’s body was unidentifiable and all they could find on the scene for identification was his state issued ID.  Olin was skeptical about an ID surviving the fire and I was skeptical that his body was burned beyond recognition.  To backtrack a little Olin believes the Dorner story is a fabrication by the government and I believe that Olin needs medication.  But I do know that burning a body is hella difficult.  And also that made me sound like a serial killer.  I JUST WATCH A LOT OF CSI:NCIS:SUV:SVU:CI:LAPD:NY:TCBY!!!!!  In seriousness we did a small amount of online research live on the air and here are our findings

-         The optimal range of temperature in a crematorium is 1400-1800 degrees Fahrenheit, as related by a credited Funeral Director group

-         The optimal time of heat exposure to completely break down a human body, depending on size, is in the range of 1 ½ to 3 hours

-         The average house fire reaches 1000 degrees

With Chris Dorner being as big as he was it would of taken 3 hours of constant 1800 degree heat to reduce him to ash so I’d say to disfigure him enough to render him unidentifiable I’d say, what, almost 2 hours of CONSTANT 1400 degree heat surround the body at all times?  I hate to be Mr. Conspiracy (that’s Olin’s job) but it is a sticking point for me.

            Now Olin finds the ID card suspicious as seeing that Dorner’s body didn’t survive, how did a plastic ID card?  I did say that an ID sandwiched in a wallet might have a chance at survival but Olin made his point.  Olin took out his own ID card and set it on fire.  I want you to read that last sentence because I’m not making a joke or lying.  Olin took his ID out of his wallet and set it on fire with a bic lighter.  It caught on fire after less than 7 seconds exposure to a cigarette lighters flame.  It would seem in a show that rambled all over the place we actually made a point!

            Did you know that the comment sections of Youtube are the scum receptacles of the world.  Oh you did?  Whatever, because I found a beautiful loophole.  Any video of Bob Ross.  Bob Ross, the man who painted your childhood, is the internets penicillin.  Every comment in a Bob Ross video is a loving remembrance of the man who acted as painter, instructor, and valium to countless generations.  I really thought as we were trying to find horrible comments we would be assaulted with “gay, gayfag, faggy gay, Faggot, this guy is a child rapist, your mom, your mom sucks dick, horse dick, jizz face, gay jizz fag gay” and the rest but no, Bob Ross shielded us from that with his happy trees and majestic rivers. Just another reason why Bob Ross rules. 

            Go back and check out this episode on the Tapdetroit Archive if you missed it.  It was a strange journey and quite frankly I have to go back and listen just to try and remember what the fuck we talked about.  Until next time.

                                                    Admiral James T Poling DDP, Mi6, BYOB