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12 Pack Tuesdays

Hangover Wednesday: The Sweaty Edition

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Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

 

“Yeah, we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun.”

John Lennon, did not think that this would get him shot

 

“The sun is gone but I have a light.”

Kurt Cobain, totally knew that this would get him shot

 

“The Sun is new each day”

Heraclitus, hahahahahah “clitus” bwahahahahahahaha

 

“A pelvis thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya, I fuck like a beast.”

Blackie Lawless, totally wore a circular saw blade as a codpiece

 

SOMEONE PLEASE COME HELP ME!!!!  I’M TRAPPED IN A STUDIO, STUCK IN A CHAIR SWABBED IN MIKE PARSONS’ ASS SWEAT!!!!!  OLIN HAS THE CRAZY EYES…THE CRAZY EYEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!

Yeah.  The summer has officially begun and Tap studio’s celebrated by being as HOT AS THE MUTHA ERFIN’ SUN!  Literally dripping sweat to the point where I had to wipe down my arms to not drop sweat beads into the mixer and fry the board.  If you think I’m a liar then fuck you madam just ask Samuel L “Action Jackson” Thomas, The Force, Olin Ezra or Drew Parfitt (Next Wave Media Lab) because they were all there and will testify to the hotness.  Also, to my hotness.  Maybe that’s why it was so hot.  Olin and I did wear tank tops that day and my arms are a sexy beet red up until mid-bicep where they get fish belly white…..mmmmmmmmm sexxxy.

So what’s with all the yogurt lately?  I spent most of my weekend indoors breathing sweet A/C fumes and watching television and every 2nd commercial was about yogurt…they made yogurt that makes you poop.  Was that really a market share we were missing out on?  Poop Yogurt?  And now Greek yogurt?  John Fuckin Stamos is gonna nab my special lady with his swarthy eyebrows and thick white creamy yogurt!  STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY SPECIAL LADY FRIEND JOHN STAMOS!!!!

I once dated some Greek yogurt and it is totally true what they say…you get anal access.

So last week Sam and I started beer betting on the weekend box office results.  Coming soon we will have tickets to give away to local shows or band swag or something but right now it’s only head-to-head competition.  Last week we chose Monsters University (James T.) vs. World War Z (Sammy Da Bee) and Monsters U won out with $82 million on it’s opening weekend.  World War Z made $66 million which doesn’t even cover the cost of make up for Brad Pitt’s pretty boy face.  It sounds like a joke but sadly I think it’s true.  Here is this weeks choices…

THE HEAT.  Starring Sandra Bullock (4th mention on the show in 2 weeks) as an uptight FBI agent who teams up with a bulldyke-y cop from Boston played by Melissa McCarthy.  Essentially this is a buddy cop movie with chicks.  Bullock plays Murtagh and McCarthy plays Riggs with more mullet.  I play a man disinterested in seeing this movie…it has a 2 hour runtime!  There isn’t enough boob punches and fart jokes to keep this movie chugging along for 2 hours.

WHITE HOUSE DOWN.  A paramilitary group attacks the White House and it’s up to Channing Tatum as John Cale to save President James Sawyer played by Jamie Foxx.  This movie is completely unbelievable.  I mean, come on.  A BLACK president?  Who the fuck is going to believe that America elected a blac…hold on…getting a email…. what now?…. oh we have one of those….Barrack Hussein Obama?…shit…so yeah, as I was saying this movie is one of those films that plays as close to reality as possible, giving the filmgoer a great experience while you watch the visual screenplay unfold like a map..and I’m just typing to make you forget I didn’t know we had a black president.  ANYWAY, big budget blow em up with Jamie Foxx and Channing Tatum throwing funny one liners at each other like sorority girls in a pillow fight.  Wait, can we just film sorority pillow fights?  That’s quite an idea.  I mean we could make a lot of money…wait…getting another email….Hustler Films XXX?….dammit!!!!

Either I’m still feeling the after effects of Mike Parson’s butt sweat fumes or….

IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!

*AHAHHAAAAAHHAHAHHXHCOPWRUCVHWGVOGFV!!!!!

*all screams provided by Olin Ezra

So let me lay out a scenario for you.  You are in a car with your friend.  You’ve had a few, they’ve had a few and you are driving home together.  Now as you are easin’ on down the road you see that you have passed a cop on the side of the road, who upon seeing your car pulls out and begins to slowly follow you.  They haven’t hit their lights they are only following you.  What do you do hot shot?

The Panel was asked 2 separate questions; Olin and Drew were the drivers/ The Force and Sam were the passengers.

Olin: “roll down the windows, lower the music, and place my hands at 10 and 2.  Then commence shitting my pants.”

Drew Parfitt: “same as Olin and yeah this sucks”

The Force: “sit back and laugh at you getting pulled over for being dumb.”

Sam:  “yeah, roll down a window and smoke cuz it might be your last.”

Well our heroes had grander plans.  Vanessa and Steffany Miranda of MonroeCounty…………..Florida (ha!) decided that swerving erratically, braking and accelerating were much better ideas.  When that didn’t work they stopped the car dead in the middle of the road and swapped seats while remaining in the car.  Because that looks natural and easy.  The police pulled them over and now both sisters Vanessa (24) and Steffany (18) face DUI charges and I’m betting an MIP and Contributing To The Delinquency of a Minor…wait it’s Florida.  People contribute to the Delinquency of a Minor like every day there.

Oh the days of youth so sexxxy and stupid.

I have noticed a big push in 1990’s nostalgia in the media, namely movies and music and the internet, so I decided to square off summer jams from 1992 against summer jams of 2012 to see who would win.  Not gonna lie, the room was kind of one sided as we were all born in the early 80’s but 2012 had some good tracks…

 

Number 10:  “Whistle” by Flo Rida vs. “November Rain” by Guns N Roses

Landslide victory for GnR.  Seriously that song/video was basically played 3 times and hour on MTV for 3 years running.

Number 9: “Starships” by Nicki Minaj vs. “Life Is A Highway” by Tom Cochrane

1992 in another landslide victory!  I was the only one to pick Starships…mostly for tha booty

Number 8: “Titanium” by David Guetta vs. “This Used To Be My Playground” by Madonna.

A close call but Madonna won out against a guy nobody knew

Number 7: “We Are Young” by fun. vs. “Just Another Day” by Jon Secada

2012 wins!!!!!  And who the fuck is Jon Secada?

 Number 6: “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus vs. “Where Have You Been” by Rihanna

I think Billy Ray won over the protests of The Force and her hatred of Disney dads

Number 5: “lights” by Elle Goulding vs. “Under The Bridge” by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner/ sometimes I feel like my only friend….yes we did have a sing-along

Due to time constraints we had to skip here to number 1 but I’ll give you the full list here

Number 4: “Wide Awake” by katy Perry vs. “I’ll Be There” by Mariah Carey

The epic battle of Tay-tays versus Hella Back Ass

Number 3: Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye vs. Baby Baby Baby” by TLC

2012 wins again!!!!!!!! Different story if the song was “Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg”.

Number 2: “Payphone” by Maroon 5 vs. “End Of The Road” by Boys II Men

Let’s see whiny white guy versus black dudes in harmony?  Never had a chance Maroon 5

Number 1: “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Whatsherface vs. “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-lot

Fucking Landslide for 1992.  1992 put on it’s unitard and Greco-roman wrestled 2012 into a rear naked choke converted that into a northern light suplex, rolled that into a release german suplex, hopped on the turnbuckle and landed a 5 star frog splash and then threw on a Texas cloverleaf submission….ouch

We haven’t seen Drew Parfitt on the Tudies since late last summer and it was great to have him on again.  Olin told us Drew had a huge announcement and then proceeded to give us crazy eyes when we asked what it was.  I knew it had to be big for him to not disclose to us what it was.  Drew dropped a big fucking announcement.  So big I can’t tell you what it is in type.  Seriously, go listen to the episode.  Drew opened up a big part of his life on the show and his announcement isn’t mine to tell you here.  Go listen to the episode.  This isn’t a cheap ploy where you are going to listen and hear Drew talk about how isn’t going to wear socks anymore.  A man bared a piece of his soul on our show and it was an honor to be present and a part of it.

Not joking, being serious, probably for the 1st time ever,

James T. Poling

Finding New Worlds And Jerking Off In Them…Hangover Wednesday.

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Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes

“Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism.”

Oprah, livin’ large

“People know abou the Klan and overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you.”

Samuel L Jackson, Bad Ass Motherfucker

“I love my KKK bitch, I love it when she suck me though.”

Ice T, breaking down the walls of racism with his dick

 

“After another week off the air The Tudies returned to full form.  Strange philosophical highways were traversed, in a combined effort by its two capable hosts, to find the very center of human truth and moral righteousness.”

Nobody in the history of man

 

Actually we talked about jerking it and the cartoon/video game characters we would like to most bone.  So…you know…regular Tudies.

Sam and I (no Plankman, my guess is he is still fighting off the hangover from his B-day bash last Tuesday) looked into the relevance of Jimmy Hoffa and whether or not the FBI should be wasting it’s time on digging for bones.

They shouldn’t.

Yes, for the 7th (8th, 9th,400th?) time the Feds are digging for Hoffa’s bones.  Let’s ignore that they have had 2 confessions and countless leads that have lead nowhere.  Does it really solve anything?  Do we really need to find Jimmy Hoffa? The man was declared legally dead in 1982, I was born in 1982!  At this point in time Jimmy would be 100 years old.  I’m pretty sure he’s dead and finding the body won’t solve the crime of who rubbed the bastard out.  What, was he buried with a chest of gold doubloons?  Which means the FBI is the governmental equivalent of The Goonies.  Also, there are still terrorists, right?  Maybe we should try and find them 1st?  Maybe?  Guys?  Anyone? No?  We’re going to dig up some poor bastards backyard in an attempt to find a man who disappeared in the early 70’s?  Also, a man with heavy ties to the mafia?  Good way to spend resources FBI…morons.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Was that a fart? No it was the 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEERRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

Last week we didn’t do a show but our hero was sooooo good that I had to transfer her over to this week.

THE DUNKIN DONUTS C*NT (CUNT).

If you aren’t hip to this story, Taylor Chapman went to a Dunkin Donuts late one night and ordered a bunch of food with her friends.  That particular Dunkin Donuts has a “if you don’t get a receipt, your meal is free” policy.  Well, Ms. Chapman wasn’t given a receipt in what she felt was an appropriate time and was entitled to free food.  Now, the actual policy is that the free meal is given to you on your next visit.  Which I feel is reasonable.  Sam felt the same way.  Taylor Chapman not so much. Chapman went in the next day with her camera taking a video of her confrontation with the donut Gestapo.  Problem is, is that the staff was nothing but courteous and obliging.  They took her order and sympathized with her the entire way.  Meanwhile, Taylor Chapman is acting like Dunkin Donuts took a shit in her Café Coolata.  Here’s a few excerpts from Chapman’s rant…

“This is all being under video surveillance.”

“I can’t wait to post this shit on Facebook.”

“Well guess what?  This shits about to go live, bitch.  Right on Facebook.”

“Cause I already posted what your dumb ass did last night. So I hope you’re happy with your little fucking sand nigger self. Cause I’m about to nuke your whole fucking planet from Mars. You think ya’ll are tough big fat Arabs bombin’ the TradeCenter? I’ll show you tough.”

whoa…what..the..fuck?

Remember these comments are because of not getting a receipt for a late night Dunkin Donuts run.  What the hell did this cunt think was going to happen when she posted this video?  Did she really believe that she was the one being oppressed?  Well the internet responded in the greatest way possible trolling this horrible person until she was forced to take down her Facebook and LinkdIn pages.  Her final status update that people found was this…

“Fuck off losers.  I was exposing racism and raising awareness.  And I know you all were thinking exactly what I said.  So fuck you weakling.”

No we didn’t all think that.  I thought ‘wow that Dunkin Donuts employee is really nice’.  If I was him I would of taken a shit in her Café Coolata.

LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY.  LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBY, LET’S ALL GO TO THE LOBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY….AND JERK OFF ON SOME FEET.

Hey, maybe things were different in my hometown.

So in the coming (or cumming) weeks 12 Pack Tudies is going to host a little game in trying to guess the opening weekend box office of the big summer blockbusters.  We will invite you the listener in on the fun and sometime soon have prizes for the winners.  This week we started the game with 2 mega-hits…

World War Z.  Here is my issue with this movie.  Brad Pitt.  Right now you are probably thinking, “hey dude, Brad Pitt is awesome bro. go suck a fat D.”.  First things first YOU SUCK A FAT D and secondly you are thinking of hyper-cool late 90’s to 2001 Brad Pitt.  Fight Club Brad Pitt.  This isn’t that BP.  Here is the outline of his WWZ character “retired United Nations employee Gerry Lane”.  Wow.  Awesome.  A United Nations employee.  Sorry, retired UN employee.  Here is a quote I got from the end of the world via my time machine…

“oh my god the world is going to end!!!  Where is your god now!!!! Who can help us!!!!  Hey look a retired United Nations Employee…we are saved.  The world isn’t going to end thanks to that guy who filed papers for the Zaire consulate…you guys we are saved!!!!!”

Wait that never happened.

Sam had a better opinion thinking that our collective zombie obsession would bolster the weekend take so he guessed $100 million and I put it at somewhere near $80 million.

Monsters UniversityThese Pixar films are just a legal way to print money.  The original made 63 million in its’ open so I wagered it would be more.  I believe Sam put it at $80 and I threw $100 into the mix.

Next week we will look at the numbers and bet on a new set of movies.

STREET OFF BEAT OFF!!!!

So I know most of you guys out there think you have mastered the art of self-erotica but you haven’t…science just did in the form of the VRSexKit.  Get your dick off…in the future!!!!!!!!!  Yes, Thrixxx.com (because three X’s means sexxxy) is in the works to create a VR sexual experience.  A multi-component masturbation tool that goes with interactive 3D adult gaming.  Basically take The Sims or Second Life and add in realistic boning.  The VRSEXKIT includes VR googles, a mandwave reader, Microsoft Kinect motion capture camera, and a USB Fleshlight.  So, you hook your Fleshlight up to an electrical device.  You are fucking a computer…congrats.

I posed a fewe questions to Sam and the chatroom on some of the aspects of this 3D sex gaming like,

Would you faithfully recreate your body?

What would your VR cock look like?

Would you create regulr looking girls to bang or recreate famous cartoon/video game characters?

Sam said he would make himself but at age 25 when he was all muscly.  I said I would make myself taller…than the towering 6’ 6” I stand at now.  Maybe 8’ 3”.  Sam also said he would make a VR approximation of his real life Whangus.  I said I would make mine like a tuna can.  Fat and stubby.  Like way too fat and waaaay too stubby.  So I guess just like in real life.  Then we turned to the chatroom for what fictional characters we would all bang and the results we very telling.  Tha Baroness from GI Joe, Flynn Rider from Tangled, Shang from Mulan, Sam wanted to bang Ariel, the mermaid version, from The Little Mermaid, and I chose Pikachu…no..wait…Cheetara from Thundercats…HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Grabbing onto the Sword of Omens and bring up my Claw Sheild to protect Thundera,

Defeater of Mumm-Ra James T Poling, TSOL, PCP, OPP

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