Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Some fear helps me from making mistakes, but I make a lot of mistakes”
Steve Irwin, hopefully still dead
“Politics is my hobby. Smut is my vocation”
Larry Flint, smut peddler
“Until the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines”
Michael Ian Black, loves the 70s 80s and 90s
You’ve just tuned into the sexiest blog on planet Erf, 1-800-56-TUDIES. With the hottest, wettest, most pleasing man-beefs operating our keyboards; you will experience waves of pleasures as our keystrokes caress every inch of your (hopefully) willing body. 1-800-56-TUDIES….mmmmmmmmmmmm.
And I grossed myself out…again….(vomitburp).
Yep, I DID IT AGAIN. Seven minutes into the show and I went from normal human being into the screaming, zero censor, jackass that we all know and love? Tudies! Yeah, so, uhhhh, phone sex still exists. Yeah, I know right? They’ve kind of flipped the format and filed it under “local singles chat line” but we all know it’s a whole bunch of phone sex. Internet porn really did lay to waste an entire aural titillation industry. If you were a chick back in the day why didn’t you have that as a side job? It literally takes no effort. Nowadays you gotta have a webcam show and all you get is a bunch of 13 to 15 year old kids typing in all caps to FIST YOUR CLAM DOGGER! That and foreign men asking you to ShOw FeeT PLZZZZZZZ!!!!! Man I hate that job. I mean…you hate that job?
subject change/<RED WINGS>.ssdctrl
Success!
So in light of every team and basically the powers that be at the NHL coming out as anti-Red Wing scum, how great is it that we beat the Anaheim Ducks and are now poised to play Chicago in our last Western Conference playoff before we skip town to the East? Pretty awesome. That’s all. Go away.
Oh and then Sam tried to lure into a fight by talking about Crocodile Dundee and he kind of won because I did rant on for a bit about Crocodile Dundee but that lead to a better conversation about Steve Irwin AKA the Crocodile Hunter. If, we hypothesize, there is a zombie apocalypse and the dead rise from their graves. We are totally screwed if zombie Steve Irwin comes back. That man could sneak up on crocs in their native habitat. Just to let you in a non-secret…crocs are fucking apex predators. They have ingrained natural instincts to thrash anything within it’s limb ripping circumference. So we need to get on the horn with the Aussie’s and have Steve Irwins corpse wrapped in a shroud and iron chains and then poured into a cement block. Next week we will have a 12 pack of dead people who also merit this kind of respect. Because this is out of respect for their badassery.
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEEEERRRROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!
Brains, Brains! Brains, Brains!
For a change I thought we would head to …Florida, for fucks sake Florida! Coach James “Shannon” Arnette lost a thumb drive that was crucial to his teams success as it had all of the defensive plays and schemes contained within it. Now as a yankee of the north, this seems to be not a big deal but in the south it seems high school football is of great importance. So Arnette went to the police to report the missing drive. A few days later a student happened upon a thumb drive and took it home to see what was on it. Let’s be clear. He was looking for porn. That’s what I would do. That’s what you would do. We are all adults here…except for the girls in the photos on coach Arnette’s thumb drive. Yep. Dude had all kinds of pictures of underage girls. It appears that ol Ironhead Arnette (completely made that up) took pictures of the young ladies at his school focusing the cameras lens to the breasts and butts(authors side note: there isn’t a word for butt that doesn’t sound stupid: ass, rear, bottom, cheeks, dumpling, dumper, bumper, caboose). So the student decided to take the drive to police who then contacted Arnette…with their handcuffs. Oh and for good measure they also found 2 pictures of real kiddie porn on the drive. Oh and then more kiddie porn on his personal laptop. So he’s our hero? I guess? Is that how this works? No. Wait. I remember now. Coach Arnette is our very first inductee to the..
8=====D***MICHAEL (HEE HEEEEE) JASKSON WING***8=====D
It’s kitty corner to the Dane Cook wing. No not kiddie corner. Oh godammit, Coach Arnette.
Is anyone familiar with the band As I Lay Dying? I am not. The name is familiar but then again everything sounds kind of familiar to me these days. I walked into a stranger’s house yesterday and didn’t even notice until I was sitting on the toilet. I only noticed then because I was sitting on the dudes lap and his boner was poking me. Anyway, it seems if you are a fan of the group As I Lay Dying you are about to be sad cuz I think their recording days are over. Their lead singer Tim Lambesis totally tried to hire a hitman to kill his wife. His wife was trying to get their marriage dissolved. What a bitch. I mean to try and take a man’s money when he has worked himsel….wait dissolved? So she didn’t want anything? No? She just didn’t want to be married to a lead singer in a Christian metalcore band? I get that, sister. Luckily, Tim Lambesis’ hitman was an undercover officer and he is now in jail. The stinger in all of this is the whole aspect of them being an identified as “Christian” metal band. I was baptized, I had my first communion, I have a working knowledge of the precepts of faith in most major religions but I am not a religious man. I haven’t gone to a church service with the idea of being spiritually awakened since I was 8-ish. And even then I think I mostly went because I didn’t have a car or a choice not to go. But here I am not murdering people. Now under the Christian rules I would not be allowed into heaven because I never accepted Jesus as my personal lord and savior. Now Tim Lambesis, even after this, if he accepts Jesus back into his heart will be allowed in under the Christian faith. Bullshit! Also your band sucked anyway.
If we could all bow our heads for a moment and recognize a fallen companion
Angelina Jolie’s boobs
You will be missed
We had some good times
That time I taped Gia
The scene in Original Sin where Antonio Banderas bangs you like a cheap drum
Foxfire…
foxfire…
foxfire
Wipe away the tears. This too shall pass. Plus she got implants.
Lastly, Sam and I pondered what we would do if we somehow found ourselves in a closed Wal-mart/ Meijers. We had a story about a man who found a way to hide in a store and wait until closing time. He then grilled steaks, drank beer, did whippits, ate a birthday cake and basically lived the life of a king. In hindsight though he really should’ve brought someone else in on the deal. Two heads are better than one. Double the pleasure baby/ triple the fun!!!!! You know like the song from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? Am I the only guy who owned that soundtrack? So we checked our 12 Pack Tudies itinerary and found slam beers at the top of the list. Just think about how great it would be to just crack open like 5 cans of beer and just pour them over your face. Then I decided smashing the tops of long neck bottles with a hammer was a good idea. Sam gets lost in the sporting goods store creating a shooting gallery as I lined an aisle with cakes, pies, and cooking oil. ULTIMATE SLIP N SLIDE!!!!! Then we hit the pharmacy. Sam breaks things made of glass. I dress up in womens clothing complete with high heels. Smash a few TV’s. Salami football. Everybody goes home happy.
Waiting for you in a lime green bikini, covered in pie, with a salami in one hand,
Sexy MF James T Poling esq.
Mixtape Loveletter Returns!!!!
“The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
So I completely forgot to post the last 2 mixtapes here on the ol’ Loveletter. My Bad. It was kind of a dick move but i am totally going to post all of the rest from now on. I promise. Well unless i forget again.
MIXTAPE- YOU’VE GOT NO MORALS, SO I’VE GOT NO QUARRELS
***SIDE A***
“The Devil Loves You” by AFI
“I’m Not A Sicko, There’s A Plate In My Head” by The Oblivians
“My So Called Friend” by BigWig
“Gonna Find A Cave” by Girl Trouble
“Laws Against Laughing” by The Crucifucks
“Spikes To You” by Drive Like Jehu
“An Idea For A Movie” by The Vandals
“Make Me A Chevy” by The Promise Ring
***SIDE B***
“You Give Love A Bad Name” by Skif Dank
“I Like Food” by The Descendents
“Riot” by Basement 5
“Two Crooks” by American Steel
“Redemption” by Inside Out
“I Am The Hunted” by Charged GBH
“Doublewhiskeycokenoice” by Dillinger Four
“Punch Me Harder” by The Supersuckers
“Sounds Of Laughter” by T.S.O.L.
end of tape.
I also snuck in some Germs and Lemonheads during the break. The Lemonheads song was called “Uhhh”. Best song title of the week.
Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it. If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…
…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.
Poop Weiners & Hangover Wednesday
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Vacation means titillating my taste buds.”
Brett Ratner, the guy who ruined X-men
“My field is with apex predators, hence your crocodiles, your snakes, your spiders.”
Steve Irwin, got killed by a stingray
“Russians call me German, Germans call me Russian, Jews call me a Christian, Christians a Jew.”
Anton Rubinstein, should decide who the fuck he is
We live in a world where men tape bullets to BB guns, atheistic receptionists go to TGIF for BBQ chicken snack wraps, and super gonorrhea exists. Thank Geebus For Tudies (TGFT).
PLANKEY CAME BACK TO US!!!!!!!!
That’s right Tapdetroits favorite bastard son returned to Tudies. He just had car trouble or at least that’s the excuse he gave us (I bet he had super gonorrhea). It seems a spider crawled into some engine compartment and died. That in turn shut down Plankeys cars engine. That had to be one hell of a spider. Like “Arachnophobia” starring Jeff Daniels and John Goodman, size spider. Sam begged to be John Goodman which makes me Jeff Daniels and Plankey I guess is the spider. Honestly, I ask quizzed the panel on the air last night to name one other actor that was in “Arachnophobia”. Spiders. That was their answer. Someone should call MENSA. Which, I found out just now, isn’t a gay bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Weird.
Hey, what’s that in my pants?
IT’S THE 12 PACK TUESDAY HEROOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!
(cue the music/ music plays/ random cat noises/ more cat noises/ music cuts out for no good reason/ make cat noises/ re-cue music/ end)
So do you remember the trips you used to take with your family? I hope they at least took you on one trip. Of course, maybe you were a crappy son/daughter and didn’t deserve to go to the Branson Music Festival…or the Amish Cheese Making Tutorial….or the German Urine and Feces Porn Festival. Spoiled little brat. Anyway, my family used to make regular trips to Cedar Point (America’s Rocking Roller Coast!), Sam’s crew went on trips, and Plankeys family would go to the UP….of course…while listening to Da Yoopers. Well today’s hero Mr. Cedrick Royce Swinson decided he was going to make some familial memories by taking his girlfriend and her two young children on a Disney Cruise. That’s one part of being a kid I want back; the pre-trip excitement. I remember as a kid lying awake at night completely jazzed about whatever place the family was going to. I’m sure those 2 little kids did the same thing. Probably didn’t play the fart game though, that was my thing. So Cedrick woke the family up and they headed out from North Carolina to Florida, a place where dreams go to be anally raped. It seems that Cedrick had one more payment to make on the tickets and when he checked to see if they had gone through…they hadn’t. Ouch. So now he is driving towards a cruise he doesn’t have tickets for with two kids and woman who, if she finds out he doesn’t have tickets, will probably shut her vagina down for the year. Let’s cut away to a different story…at 10:40 am in Satellite Beach, Florida a man entered the Navy Federal Credit Union and handed the teller a note threatening that he had a weapon. They handed over the money he demanded and the perp walked out and drove away in a white SUV. 5 minutes later the police had stopped a man named…Cedrick Royce Swinson…for robbing the Navy Federal Credit Union at 10:40am. Noooooooooo!!!! Ced The Entertainer!!!!!! Noooooo!!! Also, how magical is that ladies vagina that a man rather rob a bank than tell her that he fucked up the tickets? And a note to the police; from now on, for Plankeys sake, take a picture of any woman’s boobs that was involved or even near a crime. He really wanted to know how big the girlfriends tits were.
Hold that thought….
SUPER GONORRHEA!!!!!!
That’s right Japan created super gonorrhea. It seems when you stick live eels up your butt and make out with octopi you pick up a few things. One of them is super gonorrhea. Poseidon will avenge your violation of his domain with a plague upon you naughty bits. So yeah, please be careful with the places you put your genitals. I love you guys and wouldn’t want one of you ending up with burnt out dicks and pussies. Unless, that’s yer thing. And of course sometimes you burn out your junk in a fun way. Like when you celebrate ChristmASS or Plow-o-ween or ASSover…you know…the classics.
We did bukkake some myths about personal health but I’m not sure if I want to outline them here. Let’s see I have that or a story about a Victoria’s Secret Angel who went rogue against the meat market she feels the bra and panty trade has become.
To cast your vote now for the Bukakke’d Myths type: BukskEEtTurdNippLe
To cast your vote now for the Victoria’s Secret Model type: Just shUtitAndpOpYrTop
Calculating…
Calculating…
Calculating…
And with 1300000000000000056008008 votes: Bukakke’d Myths wins!!!!
SKEETSKEETSKEETSKEETSKEETSKEET!!!!!
So here they are some popular health myths getting a face full of white hot cream…
They say you should stop drinking coffee….WRONG BITCH!!! Drinking 1-3 cups of coffee is actually beneficiary to your health. In a 14 year study researchers found that the group drinking coffee were in a lower risk category for stroke, diabetes, heart and respiratory disease. Also, coffee is cool and being cool is always cool.
They say you should try to get 8 hours of sleep….BITCH YOU SO DUMB!!!! It seems just getting enough sleep for you is most important. If you can sleep 6 hours and feel fine…then sleep 6 hours and feel fine. You need 10 hours to feel better? Then sleep ten hours.
They say that a low Body Mass Index (BMI) is super healthy….HOW ARE YOU ALIVE, STUPID ASS?!!?!! Being a few extra pounds above the “recommended” BMI is actually beneficial to your health. Those that are a few pounds above the average live longer and that shit is science, yo.
They say you shouldn’t be pessimistic….DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A HELMET ALL DAY, DUMB-DUMB?!!!?!! In a group of people ages 65-96, research has shown a negative outlook kept people alive longer as they are often more cautious.
They say a aspirin a day keeps the doctors away….BUKAKKE IS COMING YOUR WAY!!!!!!! If you are a lady I would say the aspirin people at Bayers are trying to kill you..and let’s be honest probably weird sex stuff afterwards. Daily aspirin in women can lead to bleeding, allergies, and upset stomach. Bleeding? As if women don’t have to do enough bleeding every month. Am I right, girls?
They say drink 8 glasses of water a day….BIG ASS LOAD. YOUR CHIN. RIGHT NOW!!!!! You know what drug addicts do to flush out their system? Drink shitloads of water. So all those amazing nutrients and vitamins you took are riding the tidal wave out of your body. Also you know what has water in it? Basically every fruit and vegetable. Have you ever eaten celery? It’s water stuck together with some green shit!
They say milk grows strong bones….YOU BRAIN IS MADE OF MY BONE-R!!!!!! well, milk is good to a point but leafy green vegetables are actually better for bone health along with weight exercises. Pro-tip: Hey guys just find a lady with big titties and play with them for a hour or so a day/ Ladies find a dude with a huge wangus and knock that son of a bitch around for a while.
The Centrum Silver A To Zinc multivitamin myth….UHHHHH…..UUUH. YOU ARE DUMB!!!!!!!!! Yeah, those multivitamins don’t really do anything if you don’t leave the house and eat Frito’s all day.
They say you shouldn’t drink so much….FUCK YOU!!!!! Wine will allow you the powers of the Highlander Duncan Macleod!!! Beer will make you stronger than the gods of Olympus and Booze gives you the sex appeal of Jon Hamm riding a panther that farts 70’s soul music.
So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it,
The Purifier James T. Poling TTFN
It Never Runs Out Of Bullets, Hangover Wednesday
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Isn’t that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gun fight”
Sean Connery, not a line from a movie
“Well there’s Smith, Wesson, and me.”
Dirty Harry Calahan, is going to shoot you
“LOOOOOOOVE GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!”
Paul Stanley, still singing Love Gun
No Plankey?!? No Force!?!
OH SHIT IT’S CLASSIC 12 PACK TUESDAY!!!!!!!!
That’s right just me and Sammy in the studio. The O.G. 2 men against sobriety act that got us where we are in the first place took to the airwaves and immediately the phrase “going down with Sam” happened. In the distance I heard ghosts of Plankey laughs and Force giggles.
We saluted Jason Collins, the first openly gay, active basketball player in the history of male American sports. Honestly, that dude has major balls to come out in the NBA as an unsigned free agent. Sam mostly felt bad for whatever dude Jason Collins is dating as Collins is 7 feet tall and is probably packing a humongous wang. I then pondered how big Shaq’s wang was. Man I hope there weren’t a lot of new listeners last night.
Hey…you…get off of my cloud
Hey..Hey…You…You…
IT’S TIME FOR THE HEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
And we are back to Florida!!!!!! That’s right we found ourselves in Orlando, Florida for this weeks profile in profundity. So, you know how when you go out boating you usually leave pretty early in the day? And once you get out on the water you realize there’s nothing to do but stare at the water or water ski/tube, or fish; so then you just spend most of the day drinking all of the liquor you can find in the confines of whatever watercraft you happen to be stuck on? That’s all that happened to this weeks hero Michael Johnston. Around 9:30 at night the police were called to the (Frank?)Gifford Docks in Vero Beach after people reported the sounds of gunfire. They arrived to find Michael Johnston laying around the docks shooting at glass bottles. After discharging 20 ROUNDS!!!! Whoa, whoa, whoa…let’s marinate for a second on this. 20 rounds? Live on the show Sam felt that was around 2 clips for an average handgun. I felt it would be more. Sam then pulled out his .40 and pointed it at my face saying “this look like less than 10 rounds, mother fucker?”. So I did a sweet spin move that whipped my duster trench coat around and whipped out my Desert Eagle and said, “not sure, but how many licks is it gonna take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?”. As sweet techno music rises up out of the background 30 uzi toting ninjas flip out from everywhere and Sam and I engaged in a sweet gun battle. I shot a guy who fell from really high to crash through a plate glass table. Sam shot at the ninja escape van and blew it up. And then as all the smoke and fire and carnage settled down, Sam looked off in the distance and said, “Tudies…mother fuckers”. The End….wait…what the fuck was going on? Oh right, something that wasn’t nonsense. Sooooo, the police arrested Michael Johnston on charges of criminal mischief and using a firearm while under the influence of alcohol(mike did admit to having around 8 cocktails, which if the law of lying to the police holds true he drank somewhere near 17 cocktails). Do they have “while under the influence of alcohol” basically tacked on every thing you can do in life as a law? Driving a riding lawnmower? Arrested!!! Driving a riding lawn mower while under the influence of alcohol. Soooooooooooo, while Mikey Johnston was being booked at the station he revealed a more nefarious crime to the police. He pooped his pants. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! THAT IS NEVER NOT FUNNY!!! AHAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHH!!!! POOOOOOOOOOP!
Back in the 80’s rap music was booming as the new kid on the block…and the New Kids On The Block had a rap song…and then cocaine was popular…and then Sbarro’s were in every mall…and then Crocodile Dundee 2 came out….oh shit it’s a conspiracy! The classic Urban Ghetto/Boy Band/Cocaine/Pizza/Australian conspiracy. It was right under our noses!!!! But my original point was that back in the 80’s video games were relatively new in the realm of home consoles so to try and appeal to the youth market a boardroom full of old white guys decided to make sweet rap songs about their products to put into their commercials. Now obviously I can’t relate to you how bad these raps were (we did play all of the songs on the show…which should be on the archive page soon…so..you…know..do that or whatever) but I will throw out a few of the most egregious lines….RAP BATTLE
The Supersonic Controller- a horrible wireless controller for the NES that didn’t really work because wireless tech in 1987 was not great. Also, it wasn’t officially licensed by Nintendo.
Best line- It works with Nintendo, it will do/ games for players one and two
Link’s Awakening for the Gameboy- an ok game for an alright system but if you listen to the commercial you would of thought this shit was GTA: ViceCity
Best line- peepin’ through with an overhead view/ cuz a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do/ so I stay on track, collect the facts/ never cut slack, and I always watch my back, but jack
The Legend Of Zelda for NES- yep, one of the best games on the console wasn’t enough for the old fartz (WITH A Z!!!! SO HIP!!!!) at Nintendo of America so we got the worst white suburb kid rap.
Best line- wikki wikki wikki wikki (seriously, find this video and hear the wikki’s)
Fugitive Hunter for PS2- so at this point in the video game…game, rap music is a well established art form but unfortunately the English language is a cruel mistress for the guy who wrote the theme song.
Best line- Fugitizing, captivizing, where’s Abdulah, he’s been hiding (sidenote- the first two words are not words)
Def Jam Rapstar- OK a game made by a rap label and had access to an entire world of hip hop musicians and their famous friends had to make a commercial and who did they pick to be their spokesman…Hulk Hogan. And Jimmy “the mouth of the south” Hart…and Hulkster’s daughter/son Brooke (I’m still not convinced of her not having a penis)….let’s get this shit show over with…
Best line- It’s all about me and Biggie Smalls keeping it real/ and now you know whatchu gonna do, brother
He just had to throw a “brother” in there.
Hey corporate America, stay out of the rap game. Shame on you Def Jam.
Have you ever wondered what some of the people in your life look like naked? Like, girls you went to school with or people you’ve met at, let’s say, the Republican National Convention? It’s natural don’t feel weird about it. Hell, head on over to Boob Critic. It a site dedicated to rating random ladies boobies. Sam was barely cognizant during the 9-9:30 block because of looking at naked amateur ladies. ANYWAY, Adam Savader was one of the lonely dudes who really wanted to get a look at everyday lady parts so much so that he started cyber-stalking and blackmailing girls he knew into them sending him pornographic materials. Savader has been arrested for sexually extorting 15 women across the east coast and Michigan. Adam Savader is a student at State University of New York and a former aide to the 2012 Newt Gingrich presidential campaing and then after that ship crashed and burned he hitched his wagon to the Romney/Ryan 2012 ticket as a campaign staffer. At one point rising to the position as a personal aide to VP hopeful Paul Ryan; so it’s not as if this kid was a loser sitting in a basement playing WoW all day eating lukewarm burritos. Well not all the time at least. Using Google Voice Savader would contact women under the alias “John Smith” and then either provide proof that he already had or threaten that he did have nude photos of the women. He then would ask that they send him more personal pornography or else he would release the pictures to the internet and send them personally to their families, friends, or in some cases places of employment or the RNC (republican national committee). Here is an example taken from one case…
“WAIT! Listen to me. If we don’t have a deal I will send the pictures to those people. Is that what u want? Remember whats at stake. Do u want ur family and everyone in DC to see your tits? Just agree to e-mail me a pic in your bra.”
What a fucking loser! A pic in your bra? Come on man. You are supposed to be the one in the position of power and overlords do not barter with their underlings. Rule 1 of extortion class is you always operate from high above! You demand them titties! If she doesn’t give up the goods you lay her to waste and move on! No mercy! No Mercy! NO MERCY!!!!! KOBRA KAI!!! DO OR DIE!!!
On the serious tip, I’m glad this pervo is going to jail. It seems when he tried this on a girl from Ann Arbor, Michigan the girl went straight to the cops. Who in turn went straight to the FBI. Who then found 15 other women being blackmailed by “John Smith” and then quickly found out John Smith was Adam Savader and now he is coming to Michigan for trial.
Have fun with the butt rape and such!
So our very own Sam(wise) the Bartender is living with two ladies…single ladies…single ladies that he isn’t boning. This is giving him a fresh and new perspective on the female mind and with that he brought us this week’s 12 Pack of the Week. As per the usual I can’t remember many of them so let’s just see what happens….
12) Women can be easily bartered out of things with candy. You want to shower first? Give em candy. You want to watch a “Red Shoe Diaries” marathon? Give em candy. You want them to have a topless pillow fight? Give em candy.
11) Make-up can happen anywhere. Girls can throw down anywhere in the house to apply make-up. Any time of day, anywhere they please…BAM! Make-up’d!
10) Everything in the fridge/on the shelves is diet/low-carb/gluten free. They keep that shit all over the place but in reality, rarely eat any of it.
9)You put the toilet seat down! Were you raised in the woods by wolves? You keep the seat down!
8) Ryan Gosling is dreamy. Sam said it not me!!! For once last night I didn’t sound like a gay man. Don’t see this ever happening again…fuck.
7) yeah I can’t remember anymore…wait…clothes…something about clothes..John Stamos? Maybe, velociraptor? Space lord mutha fucka?
Whatever.
I’m squeezed out in hump drive.
And you know I’m insane in the membrane..insane in the brain
The Mentalist James T. Poling NKOTB,ABC,BBD
The Science of Peeing Into Bottles. Hangover Wednesday.
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“You better check yourself, before you re-re-wreck yourself.”
Asian Proverb
“Baby, lets put the X in sex, loves a muscle and you make me wanna flex”
Paul Stanley, Star Child and Work Out Guru
“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE ALPS!!!”
Walter, edited for TV
There seem to be questions that society is almost incapable of answering. What happens after death? Will there ever be peace between all nations? Will the Detroit Lions ever not suck? And of course, how do I pee in bottles? Well at least we covered one of those last night.
Yes, you guessed it right. At the top of the show we had a long discussion about peeing in bottles. I only brought it up because I was cleaning out my car (for the spring weather which apparently is never coming) and I found that on instinct I always leave an empty bottle in my backseat in case of pissy emergencies. Then we got into a whole “technique” discourse and then what bottles are best to use in said emergency (Gatorade 32oz btw).
Well we may as well start this now because shit is gonna take awhile to explain…
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAYS…HEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
YES!
YES!
YES!
WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
This week was a very “especial” as we returned to the state that breeds a very potent type of hero…FLORIDA!!!!
(singing) Loooovvveee…it’s like a hurricane…it happens in Florida…it gets into everything…
Oh Florida how we missed you.
So our good buddy Donald Bernard McGee JR had gotten himself into a lil bit of the old text message relationship with an older lady. Well okay he is 19 and she is 21 but THAT STILL COUNTS! Anyway, Donald then mustered up the courage and scored a real live date with Nimeha Milien and did he ever plan quite the romantic evening, They took a romantic stroll through Boynton Beach Park. They stepped over bums, illegal Cuban immigrants, heroin needles, dead children, a human foot. That’s just Florida for you…a lover’s paradise. So, after the walk Nimeha and our hero went to Wendy’s for some hot and cold Frosty/Makin’ Out action and that’s when Donald pulled out the big guns. No really. He pulled out a gun. Not his love gun. A real “this bitch shoots bullets gun”. Honestly at this point Nimeha had to wish that he just pulled out his dick instead. But alas, no, Donald had actually planned a carjacking. Why he went through the trouble of the walk and the Wendy’s is a mystery. Donnie grabbed her purse and took off in her car and cranked up the KISS “Lovegun” and headed toward I-95…
No place for hidin baaaaaby!
No place to go!
You pull the trigger of my…
Badababum…badababum…badadabadadabadadada…..
LOVE GUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!
LOOOOOOOOOOVE GUUUUUN!
LOOOOOVE GUU…….OOOH SHIT THE COPS!!!
Whfrhvrhv;/(car crash)\pvnfo;ivfvhovqnhgt/(head injury)\b;tnvgfobvngbvbgfv9-t g[45g/(butt hurt)\
Eight miles down the road the cops caught up with Donald Bernard McGee JR and he promptly crashed into a guardrail. Wow. That guy must of really dug KISS.
So being a man living in this world of ours and definitely being a part of a generation of internet users, porn is just kind of a mainstay in our diets. I have seen a lot of crazy shit go down. I had a friend whose favorite pastime was getting you in front of his computer and then assaulting your face with German poop porn. I can still see the frauleins face just covered in shit. But in all my years I have never attempted any of the outlandish acts I’ve seen. I mean, sure I’ll try the stuff we all try from porn films. You know the back breaking positions where you and your lover try for like 2 minutes to make it work until you both give up and just lay on your sides and have lazy person sex? Fuck you. We’ve all been there. Now, unnamed guy in China? He saw that weirdo shit and decided, “oh fuck yeah beeotch, I’ma stick an eel up my butt!” or at least something like that. Sad part is I’m not making the “shoving an eel up my butt” part up. The man shoved a 21 inch, half kilo, living eel, head first up his ass. Now the eel said “oh yeah, well how ya like this number, chachi?” and started eating its way through his colon and wriggling out into his torso. The man went to the hospital where doctors managed to get the eel out and shortly afterward the eel died. The doctors all agreed that was best for the eel as it spent most of it’s final moments showering, dry heaving, making weepy phone calls to old boyfriends, and eating ice cream out of the tub. The man said he was imitating a porn he saw. This is where I found out there is a Japanese (of course he’s Japanese) porn director who specializes in eel/octopus/frog/worm/fish/toad porn. His big claim to fame is cramming 100 live baby eels up a girls ass and then letting her slowly shit them all out. Well, I’m never getting hard ever again. The director Daikichi Amano, once even tried to do this feat himself putting 20-30 live baby eels up his own ass but failed to get any farther. Just like management you know. You show up and they rail on and on about quotas and how you’re not doing your part at the Shoving Eels Up Yer Butt factory but the minute they get on the line everything slows down and you know tomorrow you’re going to have to skip lunch just to make up the lost time shoving eels up your butt. It’s a grind, man but at least you got benefits.
Sooooo, anybody want to help Sam and I make a porn?
I will specify it will not be an eel porn and nothing goes up my butt.
The website Offbeatr is a take off of the popular crowd-sourced funding website Kickstarter. The only difference is that Kickstarter is for music, books, film, or other artistic endeavors and Offbeatr is for porn. Seriously. You can fund all manner of Porn video games, websites, movies, other weird stuff.
So come on folks and help me and Sammy make an official 12 Pack Tuesday: The Porn . I will walk you through the opening scene for a lil taste of the true artistic vision….
“Opening Scene: the scene opens on a rundown but still livable house. The lawn is littered with party debris (i.e. beer cans, beer pong table, a tiny inflatable pool, a naked girl) and slowly we push towards the front door. On the front door the words Pussy Portal is spray painted in big pink letters over a black spiral. As we go through the door we see the interior of the home and it too is littered with more debris and more naked chicks. We get to a hallway and turn into the first room of which multiple panties are stapled to its frame and a big picture of Sam adorns the door. We see Sam asleep in the bed with 7 women in there with him. We pan out and go farther down the hall and we see a door painted in neon green and yellow tiger stripe. We push through the door and we see JT lying facedown in bed. An eel is stuck up his ass……”
That’s what I get for letting Plankman and Sam write the script. YOU GUYS ARE REAL ASSHOLES!!! Also, how big of an eel are we talking about?
I’m pretty sure that was the best opening scene in porn ever created.
So instead of putting any of the “ASK JT” segment here I will finish with the little known facts about “The Big Lebowski” . If you want the questions and answers from last night s ASK JT I suggest you go to the archives and download the show. Did I ever tell you guys about the archives? Yeah, it’s a page with every show we’ve ever done and it’s free to download. So instead of listening to that boring ass morning talk radio with that thrilling interview with some boring asshole from some retarded ass sitcom that you’ve never watched, you can download our show to your iPod, or mobile device and throw 12 Pack Tuesday on for your morning drive.
LOOOVVVVVE GUUUUUUUNNN!!!!
FACTOID 1 – So in the movie The Dude seemingly does nothing but bowl and hang around but yet still has money for beers and rent. It seems in the earlier drafts of the script they explained this by letting it slip that Jeff Lebowski is the heir to the Rubiks Cube fortune. Which only makes him even that much cooler.
FACTOID 2 – John Milius isn’t a household name but his scripts are. He drew up the screenplays for the first two Dirty Harry films, Apocalypse Now, and Red Dawn. He is also the basis for Walter Sobchak. Seriously, John Milius is a self proclaimed Zen Anarchist and gun enthusiast. I don’t want to know what happens when you “find a stranger in the alps” with this guy.
FACTOID 3 – The Dude is never seen bowling a single frame. You know that was totally done on purpose and it only makes the dude that much more awesome.
FACTOID 4 – The Jesus is one of the most quotable characters from the movie. Almost every line he says is a line someone will shout at you in a bowling alley. During all those amazing quotes you may remember that he is also a pederast with a huge pants bulge. Unfortunately for John Tutturo, that bulge was a large bag of bird seed.
FACTOID 5 – The word FUCK is said 292 times in the movie. Now, The Big Lebowski is only 117 minutes (1 hour 57 minutes) long. Scarface is 170 minutes (2 hours 50 minutes) or about an hour longer and they use the word FUCK 226 times and they say fuck a lot. The Departed is 151 minutes (2 hours 31 minutes) long and they say it 237 times and they say FUCK in THAT movie a shitload.
FACTOID 6 – The word DUDE is said 161 times
FACTOID 7 – Before filming a scene Jeff Bridges would ask the directors if the Dude had “burned one on the way over” and if they said yes he would rub his eyes with his knuckles to make his eyes red.
FACTOID 8 – The Dude says MAN 147 times or once every 1.5 minutes
FACTOID 9 – Most of the amazing wardrobe worn by Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski were clothes from the closet of…Jeff Bridges. This basically confirms my suspicion that he really is just The Dude and Jeff Bridges is a character he plays at awards shows.
Well, my fingers are tired and this I think the eel has made it’s way to my pancreas. Probably should head to the hospital or maybe I should shove a ferret up there to kill the eel…yeah that should work.
Baiting the ferret traps as you read this sentence,
Squirrelmaster James T Poling BBW,BBC,BBBW
Molding Americas Youth, It’s Hangover Wednesday!
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
Mark Twain, America’s Favorite Witty Prick
“If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.”
Frank Zappa, A Mother Of Invention
“A bad girl smoking in school, breaking the rules acting real cool. Talkin’ about all the rock boys, backseat joys with some boy’s toy.”
Britny Fox, being really subtle about fucking underage girls
You take the good…you take the bad…you take them both and there you have..12 pack tudies…12 pack tudies!!!! That makes about as much sense as anything that happened on the show last night. So eat it.
PLANKEY CAME BACK TO US!!!!! Yes, the little Dutch boy of Tapdetroit.com returned to his favorite watering hole and then was relentlessly teased for punching himself in the dick. The entire 12 Pack Tuesday crew was in studio: Sam, myself, The Force, and Plankey and we all looked back to what was a terrible Monday. We quickly bowed our collective heads for the folks out in Boston and the world abroad who may have known someone injured or killed in the explosions at the Boston Marathon. I will reiterate that as our mission statement we are a comedy show that aims to let you forget about the shitty realities that hover just outside your windows. So please forgive us for not spending what could have been our entire show relating tales of tragic loss, senseless mayhem, and sorrow.
Monday was also the IRS tax deadline and your ol’ buddy James T Poling slipped under the wire again. Like Tom Cruise running through a building that is seemingly made up of Michael Bay slo-mo explosions, I just got my returns in with minimal sanity lost. I also looked really cool doing it…and then I went and bought myself an ice cream. What? I DESERVED A TASTY TREAT!!!!! It was a pretty rad ice cream too. Lemme break it down for you..
Cherry
Whip cream
Caramel Sauce
Vanilla frozen custard (yeah, I’m fancy enough to make that distinction)
Hot Fudge
Smashed Reese’s Pieces
Chocolate Frozen Custard
More Hot Fudge
Did I really waste my time typing that up? Yup, and you just read it. So who is the dumb one…..it’s me. My bad.
A WHAT TIME IS IT???????
IT’S TIME FOR THE 12 PACK TUESDAYS HEROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEK!!!!
This week instead of focusing in on an individual or small group of individuals we focused on a large classification of people. TEACHERS! That’s right the people who are shaping the young minds of ‘Merica.
Starting in New York with a 10th grade teacher who, as part of a critical thinking exercise/essay, told his students to write up an essay defending the Third Reich and Hitler’s views on the Jewish faith. Here is an actual excerpt from the 5 paragraph guideline that was handed out to students…
“You must argue that Jews are evil, and use solid rationale from government propaganda to convince me of your loyalty to the Third Reich!”
Oh yeah, I can see that this went well.#sarcasm
Just in case you are reading this and saying to yourself, “well that’s just one teacher. I don’t see why you have to put all educators on blast for the actions of one obviously misguided person.”
I hate you so much right now. But fine…FURTHER EVIDENCE!!!!!
In another part of New York a teacher asked the students to create a mathematic formulation using slaves and whippings as the variables. Here is a supremely racist imagining of how this played out…
Toby received 10 whippings last week and so far has accrued 4 this week and it is only Wednesday. Mary has been raped twice this week and whipped once. Will is dead from all the whippings he took last week and was buried in a shallow ditch with a dog his master found on his property. Why the fuck are these atrocities being used as a math tool? Solve for X (X = you are getting fired)
So, by now you’re saying, “OK, well that was horrible…no really that was really, really horrible but still that’s only two people in a pool of thousands across the country. Why you gots to be so cruel? Please Hammer don’t hurt em.”
My god I hate you so much…FINE! TO THE THIRD EXAMPLE!!!!
In Washington D.C., the fucking seat of power, a teacher came under fire for handing out math worksheets from a website HomeschoolingParadise.com. The worksheet was a collection of word problems that involved violent or morbid situations like this one (this was an actual problem on the 3rd grade, lemme say it twice, 3rd grade math page on homeschoolingparadise.com)…
“John’s father gave him 1359 marbles on his birthday. John swallowed 585 marbles and died. 9 of John’s friends came for his funeral the next day. John’s grieving father gave the remaining marbles to John’s friends in equal numbers. How many marbles did each friend get?”
Want to know what I learned during all of this? Plankey is pretty good with numbers. Dude had near correct answers for most of the math I threw at him. Sam wasn’t bad either. I had no idea what the answers were. But then again I keep a lot of porn tabbed on the old Tap web browser. It’s kind of distracting.
TIT-TAAAAAAYS!!!!!
So did I miss the secret America memo that told everyone that Wesley Snipes was in trouble for tax evasion. Here I put together a list about celebrity tax dodgers and Planks, Sam, and The Force all, at different times, go “oh like Wesley Snipes”. WHAT? Was there a meeting? Did Kris Kristofferson speak? Did we always bet on black? BOOM! Passenger 57’ed.
So yeah Wesley Snipes, Willie Nelson (who also everyone knew about), Pam (Dark Nips?) Anderson, Nicholas Cage all owed shitloads of money to their respective states and/or the Feds. Lauryn Hill of the Fugees owes money too, but nobody remembers who she is so I think she’s safe. Especially from Plankey who has no clue who she or the Fugee’s are. Seriously. I played a Fugee’s hit and Planks just stared at me with a blank expression. Of course, blank is kind of the Plankman default setting.
In recent weeks I feel that we’ve been a smidge insensitive to the Asians. I know, I know. Us? Being insensitive towards people? That sounds improbable. But nay, we have not been the nicest to the North Korean peoples. So in an effort to rebuild some bridges I went online and deep into the world of creepy white dudes with Asian fetishes on OKCupid.com. We also found out that Sam is hoping to cross “Asian Chick” off of his “chicks I’ve banged” list. If you’re interested in helping him out with that cause please contact Sam The Bartender.
Here is a sampling of dudes of wanna banging Asian broads online….
RYAN
A little about me: white guy, from Ohio, college educated, had a degree in IT, was laid off about a year ago so my company could send my job to China. I haven’t been able to find work since then, and, well…during the same time, I developed an intense…interest in Asian women, particularly Chinese women. Specifically, I am obsessed with having sex with Chinese women while they tell me things that make me feel empowered, such as telling me I am the best lover they have ever had, that America is the most powerful nation on Earth, that American men are incredibly masculine, etc, etc.
12 Pack EVALUATION: he wants to grudge-fuck Chinese girls with his tiny penis.
UNNAMED
I am a very distinguished and wealthy white man. I work in the high paying finance field where I manage million dollar accounts…..but I am only interested in the best: Asian women. Why is that? Could it be their fine skin and long silky hair? Could it be the fact that unlike white women, they remember what it’s like to be a woman: to be docile and submissive and respectful to a man? …..as I mentioned before, I am wealthy and have a lot of status in this country. If you have many of the qualities associated with Asian women that I mentioned above, you and I would be an amazing match.
12 Pack EVALUATION: He is gross, lives on a fixed income, and wants you to straddle his tiny penis and do all the work in bed.
RICH B
Konichiwa! I want you to know that you are beauitufl, like a lotus flower. I am crazy about Asian stuff, like the culture, the martial arts, the food, the anime and of course the women. I have studied many martial arts and know how to protect a woman, and how to treat her right.
12 Pack EVALUATION: he wants to bang you on the couch in his parents basement while watching anime porn. All with his tiny penis.
THIS GUY
So my best friend who was in the army in Korea tells me Asian girls have sideways vaginas. Is that true? Cuz it’s awesome!
12 Pack EVALUATION: this man has never seen a vagina sideways or normal ways ever before in his life. Also tiny penis.
MAN WITH A TINY PENIS
In your profile, you say you only date Asian guys. Is that because you’re scared of guys with big dicks? It’s ok, I got a big white one but I promise I’ll be gentle with you…arem’t you tired of little tiny ones?
12 Pack EVALUATION: this guy owns a lot of guns, works out constantly, drives a huge lifted pick up truck, has a giant TV, and a very…very tiny penis.
MR. RACIALLY SENSITIVE
Why are there so many photos of you with Asian guys? Don’t you know Asian girls prefer white guys.
12 Pack EVALUATION: this man has definitely jerked off his tiny penis to “Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” 1’000 times.
MUSCLES McGEE
Don’t be scared of me, I’m just a big strong American man who will love and protect you.
12 Pack EVALUATION: his giant belly overhangs his tiny penis making it impossible to find.
CLEVER PANTS
Hey, do you know kung-fu? How about fuck-you? Wanna teach me some tricks?
12 Pack EVALUATION: the trick is finding his tiny penis.
THE MILLIONAIRE APPROACH
Ever notice how lots of beautiful Asian women are dating successful white men? I think it’s because white men have a charm and sophistication that is irresistible to Asian women…I have dated 3 Asian girls, they’ve all told me that…
12 Pack EVALUATION: They also say that you have a tiny penis and laughed at it.
Now this next piece is an actual contact/response/rebuttal from an OKCupid user. She posted it online to show how strange these dudes are…
THE INITIAL CONTACT- You’re probably used to men who treat you like crap. Men who believe they own woman. You may have seen your father beat your mother or force her to do all of the house work while he went off gambling, and you are probably used to boyfriends who made you feel inferior for being a woman, who tried to control you, who forced you to cook and clean and tried to rape you. In my culture, that sort of behavior is unacceptable. I believe women are beautiful and should be cherished on a pedestal, not locked away as if they are inferior to men. I personally find Asian women irresistible and treat them like the precious beings they are. If you are tired of men who mistreat you, please get in touch with me
HER RESPONSE- OMG wow, where the fuck do I even start? For your information, I have encountered many times more sexism from white men than I ever have from Asian men, especially white guys with Asian fetishes! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, my mother loves my father very much and they have an amazingly kind, giving and equal relationship. If my mother saw you talking shit about my father like that in person, she would beat the living shit out of your gweilo (ed. note: basically the Chinese honky) ass, right before I beat the living shit out of you. Also FYI…I have dated men of many races, including Asian men, and NONE of them have made me cook or clean and certainly have not tried to rape me. Hmm…maybe it’s because when I look for who to date, I look at people as individuals, and try my best to avoid assholes like you!
(slow clap)
HIS REBUTTAL- go get raped, you dumb chink whore
Wow. Go get raped…you dumb…chink…whore. Classy gent that one.
There was no 12 Pack of the Week or ASK JT segment at the end of the show. Sam had some relationship/dating stuff he wanted to talk about and it got juicy. So erotic and sexy that I will not type it out for fear that the keyboard will melt. And because the last 22 minutes of the show is kind of a sweet blur for me. That and you should listen to the show. Seriously, listen to the show!
Willing to be your beauitufl lotus flower, for a price
Pimps Up, Hoes Down James T Poling, ATM, NBD, BDSM
Mixtape Loveletter: The Forcible Entry
“The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
MIXTAPE NAME: THE FORCIBLE ENTRY!!!!!!!!!
This week Sarah “The Force” Force gave us a mighty mixtape of great punk and ska. It was songs that made her think of cruisin’ around in a Ford Escort wagon, smokin pot, talkin’ bout life and stuff with TAPDETROIT maestro Olin Ezra. It’s funny how all punks have a time in their lives when driving around in cars is all they did. I wonder with gas prices what they are if punks still do that? Probably not.
****SIDE A****
“Here She Comes” by The Mr. T Experience
“My Right” by Screeching Weasel
“Violins” by Lagwagon
“Lozin Must” by Millencolin
“She” by Green Day
“Salvation” by Rancid
“Islands” by The Suicide Machines
“Drink Drank Punk” by Anti-Flag
“SmokeStack Dreads” by Swingin Utters
****SIDE B****
“Far Behind” by The Hippos
“The World Is New” by Save Ferris
“I’m Your Destiny” by Edna’s Goldfish
“Shoot The Moon” byVoodoo Glow Skulls
“Steppin Razor” by Sublime
“Yellin In My Ear” by Operation Ivy
“Alternative Baby” by Reel Big Fish
“Short On Ideas” by Less Than Jake
“One Last Cigarette” by Less Than Jake
BTW this mix is in honor of OFF THE RECORD in Royal Oak. We stole a lot of CD’s there as a kid and bought a lot of bootlegs. Sidenote: I still have a Primus bootleg i bought at OFF THE RECORD.
Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it. If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…
…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.
Come And Get It!!!! Hangover Wednesday
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Get outta my dreams, get into my car. Get out of my dream, getintothebackseatbaby, get into my car”
BillyOcean, a guy who loves to fuck in cars
“I’ve got to make a play, to make my lover say, what would an angel say, the devil wants to know”
Fiona Apple, making heroin look sexy since 1996
“I don’t have no trouble with you fucking me, but I have a little problem with you not fucking me”
Old Dirty Bastard, just being honest
There’s a lot that can be said about the first 15 minutes of 12 Pack Tudies. Awe inspiring. Greatness personified. The auditory equivalent of a gnarly fart. In the immortal words of James T. Poling….
GOTTA GET SOME GATORADE!!!!!CHOCOLATE MILLLLLK!!!!!!
So for those of you who didn’t listen I was at work singing that song (which is a song I made up) in an elevator. I thought I was singing it in my head but it turns out I was singing it aloud….2 or 3 times…..and I wasn’t alone….and the person never said a thing about it. If anybody knows of any job openings let me know because I might need a new job.
I also created new lyrics to the Papa Roach classic “Last Resort”….
Cut the cake into separate pieces/now you’re making a chocolate torte!
Egg separation/no beating/make sure that you got the right seasoning!
Yes this all happened in 15 minutes. There were even more stories that randomly happened. People in the chatroom started to suggest that Sam and I have ADHD but I always have sex with a condom. MY DICK IS CLEAN!!!!
Just kidding I know that ADHD is a behaviour disorder.
And I never wear condoms.
If you had your 15 minutes of fame what would you do? If your name is Spike Albrecht then hitting on Kate Upton was numero uno on your list. Spike is the bench player on the Michigan Wolverines that had a breakout performance in the NCAA title game on Monday. He instantly took that fame and parlayed it into macking on supermodels. His dad is so proud…..seriously. I would be if he were my son.
Did someone say titties because I saw the best pair of…..
12 PACK TUDIES HEROOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!
Officer Ronald DePellegrin AKA The Pelican (cuz he scoops up all the ‘tang!). Good ol’ Ronnie is a police officer in Pittsburgh and was investigating a prostitution ring that operated out of the website PittsburghBackpages.com. Ronnie contacted a girl advertising on the site and over the phone had come to an agreement for a half hour session for $145.00. Let’s peruse the ad that he contacted….
Fully independent, n@ughty & sweet, open minded and very responsive!, this lil blondie loves to be pampered and pleased, explored and toyed with, voluptuous soft curves and oh so sexy, come play with Beckie Dymon, this is just the beginning…simply unforgettable, by the end of your session with me your once wished fantsays, will no longer just be dreams but finally your reality, non-rushed full sessions.dyed my hair red/new pictures/same Beckie
Open minded you say? Voluptuous? Oh so sexy? Fantsays?
How could a man resist having all of his fantsays become his realitays?
So Rondo moseyed on over to Becky Dymons apartment only stopping to pick up condoms and baby wipes. Which she requested he bring. Gross. As if banging a whore isn’t bad enough she makes you realize the grim reality by making you buy baby wipes. Oh and Becky Dymons real name? Diana Gross!!!!AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!! The giant flying spaghetti monster has a sense of humor. So Rondo gets to Diana Gross’ place and the two spark the love flames by sexily asking each other if the other one is a cop. Cuz that really gets me going. Then Officer Ronald DePellegrin played with some titties. At this point I pretty sure intent and such has been proven and he can arrest her. Nope. Rondo and Gross get naked, Ronnie has her put a jimmy hat on his billy club and lets her suck his ding dang doodle. Now at THIS point he can surely arrest her. Nope. Not how Ronnie operates. Somewhere during the blowie Ronnie says he shouted “oh sit the cops” and while Gross looked out her window he got dressed and then announced he was in fact a cop and arrested her. Sam thinks that Ronnie waited until the happy ending and then arrested Gross. I tend to side with Sam. Once somebody is putting the carwash to your bobsled it’s hard to say “hey you can stop now and stuff cuz I’m a poli….oh fuck it. Just keep going!”. Fucking cops man. Also $145.00!!???!!! For a blowie? Fuck that.
Uhhh, btw what’s the deal with North Korea?
That little bastard of a country has been quiet for years and then in the last month they are everywhere. Missile threats, invasion talks, getting in shoving matches with South Korea in the schoolyard, putting a tack on Americas chair when she wasn’t looking, and I heard North Korea spent the night with Dennis Rodman. That dude was married to Carmen Electra so you know they went all the way.
Here are a few tidbits about North Korea I found interesting….
1- The US is a lil responsible for North Korea. At the end of WW2 Japan was forced to surrender it’s claim on the Korean peninsula and the US took the Southern half and gave the North to the SOVIET UNION. You can’t trust those commies with anything. For fucks sake, Putin can’t even be protested without titties getting thrown in his face! More on that later.
2- The ruling family has mystical magical powers. Kim Il Sung was the SUN of Korea and controlled the weather. Kim Jung Il bowled a perfect 300 the first time he bowled and shot seven holes in one the first time he golfed. Wait. You have a populace that believes anything and the best you shot was 7 holes in one? Kim Jung Il was retarded.
3- Over 200,000 North Koreans live in prison camps. In a book I suggest we all read because I bet its amazing “Escape From Camp 14” we read the story of Shin-Dong Hyuk the only man who has ever escaped a camp and fled North Korea. Hyuk was born in the prison camp and kept in the camp as a prisoner his entire life up until his escape. Why? His father was in prison for the fact that HIS brother had fled to South Korea. Wow.
4- The one shining glimmer is that there is a huge black market in American DVD’s and CD’s.
Oh, ‘merica. We might suck at math, science, physics, health but goddamn if we don’t make sweet music, TV, and movies. And our porn is awesome. Why can’t Asian people stand the sight of pubes? Oh, a tentacle monster raping a half human/half cat schoolgirl while 47 dudes in sumo undies and wrestling masks spray jizz on her face is okay….but I better not see any pubic hair!
It is with a heavy heart that I bring you this tidbit of news. I had to side with a man that repulses me. A man that I truly hate and has been since day 1 of my show been considered an enemy.
I had to agree with Kanye West.
It’s not my fault! He is being sued by the children of some obscure 70’s funk artist for stealing pieces of their song “Bumpin’ Bus Stop”. The piece in question is a sample of their dad saying “gggggggg get down”, which they say West used in “Gold Digger”. Remember “Gold Digger”? that really popular song that came out 10 YEAR AGOOOOOOO!!!! I HATE PEOPLE WHEN THEY MAKE ME FRIENDYS WITH KANYE WEST!!!!!!!
There was not a 12 pack this week. Well there was a lot of beer but I’m not talking about a “12 pack” I’m talking about the list of 12….YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…wait…
Knowwhutimean, Vern?
ERNEST!!!!!!!! YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!!
Where was I? Oh right the end of the show. For the end of the show this week I picked out love jams for any type of situation. You guys in the chatroom threw me a few curve balls. But I think I handled myself well. The only question that stumped me was this from Shuddermom…
“Lets say a woman has worked a full shift at work and comes home all types of frisky but her man is currently in a back brace. What should she play to get him in the mood?”
This had me stumped on the air. I threw out a few songs but I think I have a few songs that are better now that I’ve stewed on this one for a while….
LL Cool J’s “Doin’ It” a slow jam, doesn’t require any violent motions
The Misfits “Spinal Remains” but it is only 1:24 long, which might be good if you just fuck the shit out the poor bastard for the entire song.
Coil “Tainted Love” this is a cover of the 80’s classic “Tainted Love” only they brought the BPM’s down to like 42 which makes you hump like his penis is something you brought to the Antiques Roadshow.
Anything by Yoko Ono. If you have Yoko Ono screaming her musical jibberish in your ears, you will forget about back pain. In fact it will take all of his energy to focus on keeping his dick hard and away from his hurting back.
There…your problems have been successfully Bukkake’d.
Tittyfucking girls to the theme from Golden Girls,
QuarterMaster James T Poling, KMFDM, TVT,DVDA
Mixtape Loveletter
“The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway…I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
This week I am not hung over so I actually went through the painstaking process of compiling a mixtape for your ears. My mixes are full of lot’s of whozzats, whozzits, and wazzupwitdats. Another interesting tidbit, I hate myself for that last sentence. I wish these computer things had delete buttons.
This Weeks Tape: Pickin Boogers and Lightin My Farts
(P.S. in hindsight not putting The Fartz on this mix was a huge oversight.)
*****SIDE A*****
“Time Out For Fun” by Devo
“Sooner Or Later” by The Feelies
“My Boot In Your Face Is What Keeps Me Alive” by Pinhead Gunpowder
“Moon Patrol” by Janitors Against Apartheid
“Self Medication” by Zero Down
“Shoplifting” by The Slits
“I Palindrome I” by They Might Be Giants
“Classic Rock Turned Me Into A Psychopathic Killer” by Zoinks!
“Hate” by Gang Green 1:04
“Burn It Down” by The Suicide Commandos
*****SIDE B*****
“Eleven + Eleven” by Nine Below Zero
“The Odd Couple” by The Adicts
“Noitall” by No Use For A Name
“I Don’t Want To Live Today” by Ape Hangers
“I Drink Milk” by The Teen Idles
“1000 Corpses” by Die Monster Die
“Head To Wall” by Quicksand
“Last Train To Nowhere” by Anti-Pasti
How awesome was it to hear Zoinks! again?
Every week Friday at 7:00pm Elitist Geezer Punk Radio on Tapdetroit.com will be providing you with a mixtape that pays due credit to the punk scenes of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and that’s it. If you were in a band or knew some bands or collected any CD’s of local punk bands please send us your shit at…
…or even if you just have a great story from your days of Dr. Martens Boots and chain wallets jot it down in an email along with a song request and, who knows, I’ll probably play it.
You Can’t Choke It With All The Polish Sausage In The World, Hangover Wednesday.
Your Weekly Inspirational Quotes
“Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.”
Vladimir Nobokov
“I didn’t die choking on a f@#%ing ham sandwich!!!!”
The Ghost of Mama Cass
“I almost died choking on a polish sausage this weekend”
Ugh…it was me
Yeah my voice was a tad raspy due to the fact that I almost died this weekend. I was enjoying a polish food feast when a rather large unchewed slab of polish sausage got lodged in my throat. The funny part is that in reality I was in no danger of choking. I actually was thinking the entire time (1 hour) that the sausage was stuck in my throat “how is this not blocking my airway?”. But the coughing and such did scratch up my throat so I was a lil hoarse all show. Sam was a lil horse. I fed him oats from my hand. Also he has a huge horse dick.
TEASER: if you didn’t listen to the show last night then I will later in this piece relate a story from my childhood that I’ve never shared before except for last night!!!
So April Fools Day has come and passed. Did you pull any sweet pranks? I did not. You know who did? This weeks…….
12 PACK TUDIES HEROOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!
Susan Alexandria Tinker of I’m guessing Ohio. Susie was working this Monday at the local Waffle House and was super bored. So to liven up her day she thought up of the sweetest prank that anyone working at a Waffle House has ever thought up of. Now, I know you’re thinking of all the diner classics. Sugar in the salt shaker, loosening the pepper shaker lids, poking holes in all of the straws, sticking every butter knife handle in your vagina, banging Ted the line cook , you know…the classics. Susan decided that she was better than any of those and created something way more epic for the 2013 set. She called in a fake robbery to the police. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH AHAHAHAHHAHA AHAHAHA A HAHAAH AHAHAHAHA AH A A AH A HAHAHAHHA!!!! Funny right? Yeah not so much to the police. After a 2 hour investigation that had the police dusting for prints, questioning Tinker, sending in the k9 unit to try and track the robbers, Tinker came clean that it was all a great April Fools joke. The cops said it was totally ok and that they got the joke. Then they said April Fools and arrested Susan Tinker for filing a false police report. She now faces 12 months in jail and a $2’500 fine. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAH AHAHA HHAHAAHAHA!! Hilarious! Oh and her manager called her and fired her ass. Good job, dumbass!
OOOooooOOoooOoOo aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiIIiiIiaaAA ooOoOOoOooooOOoOo
That’s whale noise. That is what Sam and I heard in the low background of the show for at least an hour. Someone in the Russell was doing something that made whale sounds and it drove us partially insane.
So here is my story that I’ve never told anyone.
When I was around 7 or 8 years old I became convinced that there was a poltergeist or demon in my house. Now, I know a lot of you are already pulling away but I will say that I’m not and at that time wasn’t one of those people. My friend Donnie was one of those kids that had a house where everything was haunted.
“this mirror is haunted. Every night a little girl appears and she cries if you talk to her”
NO IT DOESN’T, DONNIE!!!!!
No. I was a normal kid. Well, normal-ish. I became convinced that there were evil spirits because for a stretch of maybe 3 or so years I would wake in the middle of the night with the sensation of total body paralysis and being choked to death. Now let me clarify a few details. When I say total paralysis I mean a total lack of motion from my body. I would wake up in a state that it felt as if I had been lying in bed with my eyes open the entire night and my brain just happened to flip on. So not a normal awakening. The paralysis was complete. I could “feel” my brain sending signals to my body to move but I couldn’t even move my jaw to close or open. The choking was more a sense that yet again my brain was sending the breathe signals but my body wouldn’t respond. So for probably 15-25 seconds an 8 year old boy was lying in bed trapped in a body that seemed dead and on its way to killing him. Finally after that 20 second period a new sensation of rushing would build in the back of my brain, like the sound of a far off firetruck, that would build as it got “closer” and when it hit the back of my eyes all control would come back to me.
I will say if you could’ve looked into my eyes as this happened you would’ve seen the look of sheer terror.
As I stated I have never said anything about this to anyone. My ma, my dad, my sister, the boobilest. No one. I haven’t even thought about this for years until I read a news item yesterday about a documentary film maker who is releasing a short film in May about this very condition. Sleep Paralysis is when the mind slips into waking state while the body is still in deep sleep, so no amount of will can move the body. The body also is in an automatic breathing pattern that will not allow you to draw voluntary breath which then gives you the feeling of choking.
Sam brought up Art Bell and his program (progrim if you are Mike Parsons) that touched on a lot of these subjects and even Olin ran in from his office to chat about it. I have to say it was a very scary time when this used to happen to me. It was nice to finally put this to bed.
Me your momma and some other whore….
Floatin down the river on a shit house door…
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg to my leg….
Gonna tie my pecker to my leggggggggg……
12 Pack Tuesdays Proudly Presents The 12 Pack Of The WeeK
This week we went with the 12 best website pranks pulled the April Fools Day…
NUMBER 12!!! – The US Army went with a headline story on their homepage that they are currently weaponizing cats!!! Grumpy Cat NOOOOOOOOOO!
NUMBER 11!!!!!! – Whole Foods was introducing a new Cattle Cam that allowed you to watch what you eat eats. Yes watch the cow that you will eventual eat as a steak chew its cud.
NUMBER 10!!!! – Twitter was going to start a charging you $5 a month if you wanted to use vowels. Whtvr, vwls r stpd.
NUMBER 9!! – The Telegraph (UK newspaper) stated that Britain was introducing a LIGHTS Czar that would monitor light usage and encourage everyone to turn off their lights. Wait, I thought the brits were funnier than us?
NUMBER 8 – Netflix had very interesting new catagories like…
Movies starring Estelle Getty and some other Guy
Nephrotic Advenures Starring Very Small Children
TV Shows Where Defiantly Crossed Arms Mean Business!
NUMBER 7!!!!!!!!!! – George Takei (Mr. Sulu) announced he was starring in the new Star Wars movie. For those of you who don’t know, Takei was in the original Star Trek series. To explain further Star Wars and Star Trek while usually having similar fan bases also have a contentious fan rivalry between which sci-fi universe is better.
NUMBER 6!!!!! – Tic Tacs tweeted that coming soon was Pizza flavor Tic Tacs!!! Yum!
NUMBER 5!! – Soundcloud added a new “here’s the drop” feature that pointed out right wheBWWWWAAAAAA WOOP WOOP WOOP BWWAA WOOP WOOP BWAAA ZZTTT ZZTTT WOOP BWAWAWAWAWAWAWA WOOP WOOP WOOP
NUMBER 4! – Canadian airline West Jet announced a new Furry Friends policy allowing any pet onboard their planes
NUMBER 3!!!!! – travel sire Kayak.com added a dating feature that let you find singles in the area you were traveling to. That’s actually a pretty decent idea.
NUMBER 2!!!!! – Youtbe released a video that after years online they were shutting down. It seems that Youtube was actually a contest to find the greatest video ever and they found it so game over.
NUMBER 1!!!! – American Eagle had on their online store SPRAY ON SKINNY JEANS. Aerosol cans that sold for $50 a can. Why do I bet someone bought this?
And that’s the listy for your fisty (I typed listy by mistake but went with it anyway).
Tune in next week when we are going into a strange new website for porn and maybe pitch you on a porn idea of our own.
Your penis gladiator in waiting, forever standing guard,
Royale James T Poling, www.jamestpolingiscooliest.jizz/asssalad
