James T. Poling
JT LOVES THE KITTIES, AND THE DAISIES. THEY MAKE HIM HAPPY
Hi, my name is James T. Poling, and this is my show.
That was the phrase on everybodys lips while listening to last nights blockbuster episode of 12 Pack Tuesday. Unless you were sucking a dick…then you had a dick on your lips. Good for you.
Well, to explain a little, the Belgian’s fucked us again and knocked the US out of the world cup which sent Planky into a rage of hate for the Belgians and all things related to Belgium, which essentially means he can’t eat waffles for a while. Honestly what else are the Belgians good for? A quick Wiki search reveals….nothing. The Belgians are useless. This somehow lead us down a path that revealed my constant companion has a pretend allergy to cinnamon. I say pretend because I believe he is making this up and really just hates happiness because CINNAMON IS A RAY OF SUNSHINE IN YOUR MOUTH-TASTES!!!!!!! Seriously, you hate cinnamon? Do you hate puppies, Pterodactyls, and flavored lubricants as well? God he makes me sick. Soooooo, transversly this leads us to the thing on all those lips (except for those dicks) Neuken Kaneel (dutch translation of fuck cinnamon). I may think him a liar about the cinnamon thing but dammit if I don’t love a good slogan. I also found out this morning that the correct language for Belgium is Flemish, an odd mix of French and German those waffle-dripping mayonnaise eaters made up to be all cool and stuff and make the host of an American Detroit-based internet radio/podcast look like a huge asshole for not knowing about it. Well jokes on you Bel-Jerks. I had no clue what language you spoke! I had to Google it and when that proved confusing I had to Wikipedia it and those idiots said you spoke Dutch. WHOSE THE ASSHOLE NOW?!!!???!!?!?
Sidenote: it’s probably me…or Planky.
wait never mind it’s just the…
12 PACK TUESDAY HEROOOOOOO OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!
So just about a year ago we retold the classic story of man vs. nature and more importantly Stupid man vs. a surprisingly nonplussed nature in a story about a snake that was minding it’s own business but found itself in trouble when a woman set it on fire to get the snake to exit her property. The snake, who obviously took offense to this action, promptly took to shelter under the womans home which, as homes are wont to down, burnt the fuck down. That was last year in Texas. This year in Kansas our new buddy Ginny Griffith had herself an even lesser threat but decided to go nuclear. You see a spider had found it’s way into Ginny’s home. That in itself is no big problem. The problem lies in the fact that Ginny is a goddamn lunatic firebug with no interest in self preservation in her extermination tactics. Upon finding a spider in her home Ginny lit towels on FIRE AND THREW THEM AT THE SPIDER HOPING TO IMMOLATE THE INTERLOPER!!!!! I am betting in Ginny’s school transcripts there is a wrinkle in her attendance where there is only a bloody smear and the words “we are the children of the corn” or something like that. In her defense I did look up the native insects of Kansas and they do have Brown Recluse AND Black Widow spiders. Also a Metallic Crab Spider and a Pandorus Sphinx Moth. Kansas bugs are metal as fuck. I’m pretty sure Pandorus Sphinx Moth could open up for Lamb Of God tonight sight unseen.
Did other things happen on the show?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY THEY DID!!!!
Wait. I just derailed all thought trains on what a “bippy” is. All of my investigative journalist instincts say vagina but that could just be my investigative PORNalist instincts messing with my investigative JOURNalists instincts. Man, my instincts need to sort this shit out between themselves I have a blog to write…….moving on!!!
I think we can all agree that Russia is for the crazies. I know we are all friendly and…Glastnost-y…ahem…but with the internet sharing the daily activities of neighboring nations we have as a global community found that there is a reason Hitler got aced by the Russkies. Well in an attempt to curtail the cray our good friend here at the Tudies, Pooty Putin Pootintang has started legislation (and by legislation I mean cramming papers, literal papers, into politicians mouths until they agree with him) that will ban swearing in all movies, books, and plays. I better get on the phone with Anton and Igor over at TapRussia. Vodka Drink Tuesdays is in biiiiiig trouble…like stashed for 50 years in the gulag kind of trouble. Poor Anton and Igor…and why does “gulag” sound sooooo tasty? Dos Vedanya, Comrades.
Well a whole bunch of other things happened but I’ma gonna leave-a dat to the fellows on the podcast to tell you about. I mean you don’t even have to navigate to another page. It’s right there at the bottom of this article…go on…touch it….feel it….massage it…..uuuuuuuh…and I’m spent.
Respectfully cleaning himself off and thinking about your sweet bippy,
Port Authority James T. Poling, DDP, JCVD, OPP